It was September, and I was beyond eager to update my closet for fall and winter. Despite my bank account’s wishes, I left my apartment to visit my homeland: The Mall. After browsing a few stores, I was having no luck. I would see a top, think it was cute, but then pull it out from the rack to see a random saying written across the chest.
My final attempt for a new outfit was J. Crew, and I was hopeful because of the “classic” fashion the store usually featured. After stepping in the store, I was immediately drawn to a cashmere sweater that looked nice. I picked it up from the table and unfolded it to find that it was not a classic sweater—there were ties around the wrists of the sleeves. Why?! I decided to try the classic-with-a-twist sweater on, as well as a bunch of other tops.
There were 13 tops in total that I brought in the fitting room, and I hated all of them. A classic chambray shirt with ruffles on the shoulders made me look manly. A top had bell sleeves so long, it made me look like I had no hands. A velvet tank was so short in length, that it put my belly fat on full display. I left the store in a deep depression that day.
It took me many years to stop wearing trends and start wearing clothes I felt good in. Sure, I still dig trends. But I only wear them if I think I look good in them (side note: this is about what I think and what I like—not what you think I look like in the clothes I wear. I don’t give a fuck what you think). 2017 has been hard for fashion me because I don’t really like the way I look in these new trends. I feel uncomfortable in cold shoulder tops, and I could never leave the house in a bodysuit and jeans without panicking about my belly fat. I love bell sleeves, but not when they leave a train longer than a wedding dresses, and I think I like the choker top look on other people, but for me, I have no interest in hiding my neck and making my head look bigger than it is.
This all leaves me wondering: have trends gone too far… or am I just old? Like, am I normal for asking the 17 questions below, or am I just showing how close to 30 I really am? You be the judge. Here are 17 things I don’t get about things that are fashionable right now.
1. Why would someone need a crop top sweater???
This “sweater” is $28 at Forever 21
2. Or a cold shoulder sweater??? Isn’t the point of sweaters to keep warm?
This sweater is also $28 at Forever 21
3. What about a cold shoulder sweater dress?
I’ve honestly never understood the whole “sweater dress” thing because sweaters are for cold weather and dresses are for warm weather. Even if you put on tights, they are the worst, and they’re not warm. Your shoulders will be cold and your legs will (probably) be cold in tights, but your stomach, neck, and arms will be warm? Does this make sense? Also, WHY IS EVERYONE WEARING THIS GODDAMN CAP?
This sweater dress is $87 on Lulu’s
4. Why are there ties on these sleeves?
This shirt is on sale at Nordstrom for $35.40 (it’s 40% off… there’s always a reason things are on sale)
5. Why are there bows on these shoulders? ALSO, THE CAP IS BACK. WHY? I am getting serious Rhythm Nation vibes.
This Michael-Jackson-esque number is $38 at Forever 21
6. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY RUFFLES? Are we salsa dancing?
7. Where the F would somewhere wear a metallic suit?
This gem from Topshop all together is $185. It’s $85 for the pants and $100 for the jacket.
8. Or “fringed trousers?” Is this a joke? Someone tell me this is a joke? We have officially gone too far with the ruffles and the fringe.
Zara is selling these fancy pants for $89
9. And why? JUST WHY?
10. It’s like, how am I supposed to continue going out and not looking like a grandmother when younger people around me are dressing like this?
Wow I am so happy this body-exposing shit wasn’t as trendy when I was in college/my early 20s.
Good news: This top is only $17.90 at Forever 21
11. Are we really putting rips in leggings??
These ALO ripped leggings are no exaggeration $125, but you can get a budget pair of ripped leggings for only $23.40 (they’re on sale because, well, who the F is buying these? probably no one)
12. How can something be a “Choker Turtleneck Sweater?” Can you really count a choker as a turtleneck?
It’s like, this could be a great shirt for a casual weekend afternoon, but it’s got a giant choker that almost makes it a going out top. But who the fuck is going out in a turtleneck sweater? No one. But it’s not actually a turtleneck.. it’s just a giant choker, right? So confused.
Also on sale, this top is now 40% off, meaning you can add this to your closet for only $47.40
13. Who would this be flattering on?
Pay Free People $128 to look like a box here
14. Are we really doing this again?
These cool-again striped Adidas sneakers are $64 at Nordstrom
15. And when did these logo t’s become cool again?
Couldn’t you buy these shirts for like $5 a few months ago??? I blame Kylie Jenner. I should add, I have no idea if Kylie Jenner wears shirts like these, I just assume she would?
This shirt is literally $40 at Nordstrom right now
16. WHY IS THE HEEL TRANSPARENT? I feel like I’m supposed to accept this as a trend and start buying shoes like these, but I cannot do this until someone answers WHY.
These boots are actually sold out at Nordstrom
17. And last but not least… I love velvet, but don’t you think a velvet jacket is taking it too far? The answer is yes.
Omg and ‘leisure suits’ aka those flare-ish stretch pants with matching zip-up hoodie that everyone bought from Express in 2005. I also had a really nice pink terry one that I got from Guess. It obviously had a giant Guess logo. So on trend.
Also, been seeing a lot of flare jeans, embroidered everything (but especially jeans), chunky heel boots (ones that every basic 2000s bitch had in black and brown, one for every occasion). I can’t do the 2000s again! God help me if I start seeing Doc Martens.