Remember when everyone said that college would be the best years of our lives? And you were all like, yea whatever I hate school, I just wanna party, bye. Well, this fall I didn’t go back to college. Now what am I supposed to do? No, I am not back-to-school shopping. I’m just shopping. The struggle is real.

1. Hangovers are like death.

Is this a coincidence or just a sick joke? The minute I graduated college my hangovers got exponentially worse. I used to be a vodka girl who kept a shot count on my wrist. Now I’m a wine girl who has one glass and goes to bed.


2. I’m actually working a 9-5.

Dolly Parton was telling the truth this whole time and I had no idea. My 55-minute college lecture did not prepare me for such a long day with no nap time. I repeat: NO NAP TIME.

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3. Meeting guys is impossible.

Like, how on earth am I supposed to meet a guy when I just go to work and go home? No more “Tuesday morning walk to class hottie” to refer to as my boyfriend to my friends. No more frat bros at dirty college bars. Okay, actually those I can do without.

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4. I don’t have a plus one.

I keep getting invites to work events that allow me to bring a “plus one.” Except I’m single AF and don’t have anyone to bring. I don’t want to go alone. Is it embarrassing if I bring a friend with me? Am I too old for that?

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5. My parents won’t help me anymore.

I had so many excuses while I was in college to ask my parents for money. Like, I have exams and classes and friends and I don’t have time to work every single day. News flash: now I work every single day. That means I’m on my own.

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6. No more skipping class or work.

Unlike a 500-person lecture in college, people will actually notice if I don’t show up to work in the morning. I can’t just “call in sick” to my job because I’m too hungover to function.

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7. I never know what day it is.

I just go to work and then go back home. Thank God for TV shows or I would have nothing to schedule my life around.


8. Beer bongs are no longer a thing.

Sometimes you just want to get drunk at home before you go out (saving money, hello). In college, that meant doing a beer bong or shotgunning. But apparently I’m an adult now and chugging beer out of a funnel and a tube is frowned upon.

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9. My friends aren’t 5 feet away at all times.

For the entirety of my college career I lived with most of my best friends. If I needed them I could literally yell their names and they would be there. Now what am I suppose to do, call them? Whoever heard of such a thing?

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10. No more gamedays.

I graduated from the University of Wisconsin. Sports are a thing. Football gamedays are like national holidays and not only the campus, but the entire city takes part. Now I have to watch the game from my couch while I cry over a pizza. #GoBadgers

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11. I have even less money.

I didn’t think this was possible. If you think you’re poor while you’re in college, just wait until you’re in the real world. Having a “real job” and therefore a “real income” is all a myth. I’m poor AF.


12. Am I allowed to go to parties?

Seriously, I’m too old to go to a college rager in a dirty basement with a strobe light, but too young to go to a fancy dinner party with $200 wine. Can’t a girl just party? Where’s the keg?


13. Is there a post-grad dating app?

People in college have Tinder and Hinge and every other dating app. But maybe I want an app that will connect me with someone who wants to have a real conversation instead of just exchanging naked pics. NO I will not send you nudes so please stop asking.


14. Related: I’m too young for dating websites.

After dating apps comes and OKCupid. But am I too young for those? Can someone please invent an app that is for the in-between people who just want to talk about Game of Thrones over some pasta?


15. I can’t wear sweatpants to brunch.

In college, everyone looks like shit on Sunday morning. Most girls are in their makeup from the night before, if not their dress. Now people dress up for brunch and it becomes a whole day event. Stop the madness!


16. Getting drugs is not easy.

I have no experience in this category, but I’ve heard that getting weed and Adderall is a lot harder without a sketchy dealer living down the hall. To whom it may concern: I’m sorry for your loss.


17. The gym is no longer free.

Let’s be honest, I don’t work out a lot. But in college if I so desired I could go to the gym for free. And when I say free, I mean I paid an unknown amount for it in my tuition. In the real world people actually pay to exercise. No thank you.


18. You need a car.

In college you can walk everywhere. Class, the grocery store, and the bars were all relatively nearby and we never needed a designated driver. Now I drive everywhere or take public transportation. I hate public transportation.


19. Leggings are no longer considered pants.

This is THE WORST. I refuse to accept that I’m only allowed to wear leggings when I work out. If that were the case I would never be able to wear them. Thank god for long sweaters, amiright? #LeggingsArePants2015



Hillary Bautch is a Wisconsin girl living in Boston, where she can often be found double-fisting cups of coffee. She takes pleasure in making other people feel awkward and purposely does weird stuff so she can write about it later. Hillary enjoys eating pizza, watching other people fall down on ice skates, and complaining about how much she wants a dog. Follow her random musings and sarcastic rants at @hillarybautch.

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