Every year on the 5th of May, 20-somethings everywhere break out their inner Mexicans and rage like there is no tomorrow. They wear oversized sombreros while drinking large, icy cold margaritas (thirsty anyone?). They eat tortilla chips with guac and salsa. They purchase big bottles of patron (okay, fine – more like large bottles of cheap tequila) and they fill up on coronas. And they make sure they have enough limes to do all of this and more.

I’m sure 90% of 20-somethings out there have no idea (and don’t really give a shit) what the point of Cinco de Mayo is (like from a historical standpointboring). All we know is that May 5th is a day dedicated to drinking thanks to some Mexican people and their beloved tequila (I know this from Entourage).

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, we have devised a list of 10 things 20-something post-grads must do in order to have a successful fiesta this Saturday from the pre-game to the party to the bar to the (bull) fight:

  • Get a piñata. I’m talking a colorful donkey that people can wack the shit out of. Put candy in it. Put condoms in it. Put (plastic) nips in it. Why not even put some quesadillas in it?
  • Make a Mexican themed playlist. This means the ‘Macarena,’ ‘Hot Hot Hot,’ ‘Tequila,’ ‘La Bamba,’ and ‘Margaritaville.’ Now put these 5 songs on a loop (in addition to any song by Ricky Martin) and try not to jump out the window.
  • Wear a sombrero! Yes, really. Like Halloween, Cinco de Mayo gives you an excuse to dress like an idiot. So put on that big, floppy hat and rock it like you’ve never rocked a hat before. Perhaps pair it was a stick-on mustache (mustache party anyone?).
  • Eat Mexican food. If you’re hosting a party or pre-game, have Mexican themed food available for your friends. Such foods include chips and guac or salsa… and quesadillas. If you’re going to a party and would like to bring something, take some Mexican themed food with you for the ride. Everyone loves the friend who brings food.
  • Go to a bar with a Mexican theme. Any bar whose title includes the word ‘cantina,’ ‘border,’ ‘sunset,’ or ‘Acapulco’ is safe

    Your new friends..
  • Go out early. This year, Cinco de Mayo happens to fall on a Saturday. Now, we all know how bad this holiday can be on weekdays… but now that the world will be able to go out for this year’s fiesta– and the college students will be celebrating their ‘spring weekends’ and saying goodbye to classes in addition – things will be wild. So secure your spot at a Mexican place early, or you will end up at some Irish pub, Japanese restaurant, or back at your apartment (really pissed off).
  • Order one (or more… definitely more) of the following: Margarita on the rocks (any flavor), Frozen margarita (any flavor), Corona, Tequila shot(s), and/or any other mixed drink involving tequila. Don’t be a pussy and buy a Bud Light Lime. It’s mother fucking Cinco de Mayo. Pay your dues.
  • Eat more Mexican food (at the bar). This means ordering nachos, chips and guac, chips and salsa, quesadillas, tacos, burritos… I don’t care what you eat – as long as it’s Mexican.
  • If you feel the urge to fight someone, only do so ‘bull’ style. AKA hold up a sheet in front of the person you are angry at and make them run at it (that’s what a bull fight is, right? because I actually have no idea).
  • Be near a bathroom at all times (yup).

Happy Cinco de Mayo 20-somethings. OLE!


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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