The Post-Grad’s Guide To: Drunk Bathroom Etiquette

Weirdly enough, today’s society requires us post-grad women to act a certain way while drunk in a public bathroom. Whether that public bathroom be at a club, a bar, our friend’s house, or a stranger’s apartment – we must act accordingly. As post-grads that means we kind of, like, have to act mature. Or at least mature enough to keep ourselves composed in a drunk bathroom setting. We are no longer allowed to be that drunk college girl who does dumb shit simply for a ridic Facebook prof pic. We are now the girl standing in line behind her thinking ‘HOW ANNOYING.’ We often decide these idiots must be 21 or something – like we are sooo much older than that even though we, like, aren’t that much older.

So how do we keep our drunk cool while acting mature and fun at the same time in a drunk bathroom setting? We follow these 12 cardinal rules of drunk bathroom etiquette…

1. If possible, travel in a group. It is always less awkward to approach strangers with friends rather than to approach strangers alone. Not to mention, it can get lonely waiting in line. You can only refresh your Facebook feed so much.

2. Make casual conversation with those next to you in line. These faux friendships will help you score toilet paper from the stall next to you if none is available when you finally get inside. You also never know who you’ll meet. Perhaps the person in front of you knows your friend’s friend’s brother… or perhaps they work at a company you want to work at. There’s nothing like drunk bathroom networking. Oh and have you ever woken up to find ‘___ bathroom’ in your phone? Because that’s happened to me. That was a really long line.

3. Remember: The sink is for washing hands. Everyone else is managing to wait for the bathroom, so you should too. Hold it in, think happy thoughts, and WAIT. Don’t hop on top of the sink and pee there… and don’t throw up in it either… that’s fucking gross. How are we supposed to wash our hands when the area to do so isn’t even clean? The worst is when pictures of captured of the above things happening. Like, what’s the appeal? It’s a fucking sink. Are you serious?

4. If you’re not using the bathroom to pee, don’t use the bathroom. First off, we all know girls don’t poop, but if for some reason you have to and you know it’s not going to be quick, quiet, and easy – do it at home. That way, you won’t be embarrassed when you come out to find 15 girls waiting to use the bathroom stall that you just secretly fucking destroyed. The same goes for throwing up. But if you’re that drunk, you probably shouldn’t be at the bar anyway. Oh and if you’re the one in line waiting for someone who’s been in a stall forever, don’t be a bitch and constantly knock on the door saying she (or they) are taking too long. Once she’s in, she’s in. Wouldn’t you rather drunky mcgee be throwing up in a toilet then next to you? Keep her away!

5. Let people know when a bathroom is too gross to enter. If, for some reason, someone decides to destroy a stall, you know that no one is going to want to look at it – including yourself. If you happen to witness a mess, tell people. Perhaps even put up a sign – ‘This bathroom is fucking disgusting.’ That way, when you go to enter such a stall in the future, people may return the favor so you don’t have to witness the poop (I hate that word – can’t believe I have used it twice now)/throw up/TP/dirt (no idea why dirt is always involved) disaster that is taking place in bathroom stall number 2.

6. If you find someone passed out in a stall, take action. Like, find their friends or tell someone. They’re taking up a stall!

7. Always pass the toilet paper to a bathroommate in need. You know how bad it is to lack TP, so help your fellow bathroom goers by passing them some TP underneath the stall. No one likes to air dry their vag. Fact.

8. Don’t use too much toilet paper. The worst is when people clog toilets just from using an overwhelming amount of TP. Like, all you did was pee and now we’re down a stall and all the toilet paper is gone? Fuck. 

9. If you sprinkle while squatting, wipe the fucking seat. There are very few females who have mastered the drunk squat. So when you get pee on the seat (which you will), use toilet paper to get rid of it. Until the toilet paper runs out at least.

10. Make it quick. Do not use the bathroom stall as your private space to do… whatever. If you’re just peeing, there’s no reason you can’t be in and out in a matter of seconds (unless you’re wearing a romper, a leotard, tights, spanx… or if you have to change your tampon). If people are waiting, don’t use the bathroom stall as a pow wow area for you and your friends to discuss the latest drama taking place on the dance floor… or as a private space for you to fight with your boyfriend over the phone… or as a place for you to hide out and drunk text people… or a place for you and your friends to take pictures of each other being ridiculous half naked on the toilet. It’s always annoying when you have to listen to two girls fuck around (maybe sexually) in the bathroom when you’re next in line and have to pee, like, soooo bad.

11. Wash your hands. No matter how drunk you are, always remember to wash your hands. Public bathrooms are at their ultimate worst on weekend nights thanks to us drunk idiots. Unfortunately, you probably, like, touched someone else’s pee or sweat or God knows what… So please – do us both a favor and wash your hands.

12. What happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom. It’s way too awkward when you’re on the dance floor or by the bar and someone you met in the bathroom comes up to you and says ‘hi.’ Like, we had a moment when in line for the bathroom because we both really had to pee and happened to be next to each other, but that doesn’t make us friends outside the bathroom. I’m with people. You’re (hopefully) with people. Let’s go about our lives and forget the bathroom ever happened. Until it happens again. In approximately 10 minutes.

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. My first book, AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME, is coming out in January (you can buy it right now on Amazon or from your fave bookstore!). I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Writing is fun. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @20somethingproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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