I Am Woman, Rule #1: Always Keep It Classy (Even When They Don’t Deserve It)

It’s been almost three months since I read an essay that forever altered my view of modern-day “journalism.” I put the word “journalism” in quotations marks because the essay I read in Elite Daily cannot truthfully or ethically be considered “journalistic,” in any form of the word. As we have all seen firsthand, the evolution of blogging invites and accepts all kinds of writers, be they inexperienced or well-versed, rookies or veterans. It does not discriminate, it does not alienate, and it certainly does not censor. If a fifth-grader feels the need to argue against the Earth being round, that essay will be published on the Internet for all the world to see. If a senior citizen wants to write about how the content and beauty of music has sharply diminished over the past few decades, people will see and think about it. And if a bitter, she-hating, egotistical smart mouth wants to base his views of the female gender on “that one time he got royally screwed over by some dumb bitch,” then he will do just that. Like I said, the evolution of blogging invites and accepts all kinds of writers. So if a 20something woman say, like myself for instance, decided to pen a public rebuttal denouncing and unraveling such an argument and email it directly to Elite Daily, no one could stop me.

And that’s exactly what I did.

An Open Letter to the Asshole that is Preston Waters

To Whom It May Concern (but mostly Preston Waters, and the person(s) who allowed such garbage to be published),

Let me begin by applauding Elite Daily for targeting news stories and social phenomena from a fresh narrative standpoint. Sadly, that is all I’ll be applauding for the duration of this note.

When I was a little girl, my father warned me about the dangers of trusting the wrong people. This included 6th grade best friends, 11th grade classmates, post-college work colleagues, and above all else, men. Yes, he told me, not all men are to be trusted. In fact, most of them are just out to get you. Now obviously, my father’s warnings were a bit one-sided and biased considering I am the oldest of three girls; even still, I understood what he meant. After all, he was a single man at one point and has far more knowledge of what goes on inside the male mind that I do. Maybe it was my blind naiveté, my “overly sensitive and emotional perspective as a woman,” or perhaps it was just a leap of faith, but I was inclined to believe that there were more good, kindhearted men in the world than there were ill-intentioned, good-for-nothing jerks.

Then I read an article written by Preston Waters.

Now don’t misunderstand me, I’ve had many a run-in with the occasional narcissistic moron. The Napoleon complexes of the world, the ego-driven smartasses, the liars who forget their own lies—I’ve seen them, I’ve experienced them, and I’ve learned from both. But never in my life have I encountered a man who embodies all of the aforementioned qualities and puts a pen to paper to prove it (technically he put fingers to a keyboard, but you get the point). Before I dive into a full-blown rant, there are several passages from the article, How Women Set Themselves Up For Failure With Their Expectations, that I would like to address specifically.

“Women are crazy, but we all already knew that. They are irrational, can’t use common sense and don’t have the basic logic inherent to the other gender.

Well shit, how we manage to function on our own is extraordinary considering we are crazy, irrational, and devoid of common sense. The next time you attempt to degrade women, try not to use overly general adjectives to make your point. It makes you sound, well, crazy, irrational, and devoid of common sense.

“To make matters worse, they can’t have unemotional sex and decide to cry when things don’t go their way.”

I hate to break it to you sweetie, but not all women are incapable of having unemotional sex. The Samantha’s of the world actually do exist, but it seems as if your head is jammed so far up your own ass (which should help you blow your own mind, by the way) that you’re too stupid to realize that on your own. And if I cried every time things didn’t go my way, I wouldn’t leave my bed. I wouldn’t commute to my office every day because my boss would send me home for crying about that oil stain I can’t get out of my white blouse. I wouldn’t have friends because they’d all be too busy crying somewhere to go to Happy Hour with me. And I wouldn’t be writing this letter to you because my tears would prevent me from staring at my computer screen.

“What women want is quite difficult to explain because it doesn’t exist. They want a perfect man, yet they’re not even perfect themselves. They’ll lose their looks by the time they are 26, so why should they be so lucky to get the better end of the bargain?

So what you mean to tell me is that women are only interested in the perfect men of the world? That we don’t take a second-glance at a man because he is 5’11 instead of 6’2? We don’t continue dating a guy because he makes less money than we do? We laugh in their faces if they don’t look like Ryan Gosling’s twin brother? And you’re backing this argument up with a false statistic which claims that we’ll “lose [our] looks by the time [we] are 26?” I beg your pardon, but have you seen a woman older than 26? Do you always generalize women under the scope of what one or two may be capable of? Is your brain in tact?

“They want their Duke graduate who has a master’s degree in finance and a minor in psychology, they want their finance guy that wears a suit everyday, they want a man who spends his winters in St. Barts and summers in the French Riviera — and they want a man who will bend over backwards for them, taking them to Broadway shows, yoga and even having high tea at the Plaza. They want all that nonsense and then some.

For someone who categorizes all women based on erroneous and inaccurate facts, you sure are a specific SOB. Almost too specific. See where I’m going with this? I suggest you take all of that pent-up aggression you have toward the Duke grad who stole your girlfriend and have some good, old-fashioned “me” time. Try practicing yoga or seeing a Broadway show, you know, all that nonsense you claim to not be privy to.

“Every relationship goes stale at one point, and men look at it as an opportunity to cheat, so we do so, but women walk away when it gets stale because they feel bored and are unsure what they want the rest of their lives to be like — this so they go and test new waters. But the devil you know is always better than the devil you don’t.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Somehow, you condone men who cheat when the relationship gets stale, but denounce women who have the power to walk away with their dignity and faithfulness in tact? Explain this to me, because I was under the impression that if a relationship turns sour, the right thing to do is move on from it with a mature attitude. But apparently, the proper course of action involves a mistress and a g-string of lies. Men are allowed to cheat, but women are prohibited from considering what their future will be like. In a perfect world, Preston, only in a perfect world.

“Women’s insecurities cause them to throw away a good man that they have in their lives because they feel like he is not meeting their unrealistic expectations, but what they’ll soon learn that this attitude will leave them all alone and suffering a midlife crisis at the age of 30 — while we men they leave behind will only end up way more successful and with a much hotter 19-year-old blowing our minds and our dicks.”

I suggest you round up every hot and willing 19-year-old you can find, film each of your sexual encounters with said women, and send the tapes to your ex-girlfriend. You sound bitter, ignorant, and more than a little pathetic. We all know it, so it’s about time someone shared the news with you.

As a young writer, I am appalled that such trash would be displayed on a website that so many young women visit. As an unmarried twentysomething, I find it offensive and untrue that the biased allegations made by your contributing writer somehow constitute as article-worthy. And as an independent, self-sufficient female, I believe that women are entitled to the same exact rights as men. Sure, we may be difficult to please at times. We want to go out to eat but can’t make up our minds on a restaurant, so we leave it up to you and hate your suggestion. We’re stubborn pains-in-the-asses and sometimes we’re too hardheaded to admit it. We expect too much from people who may not be able to meet the high expectations we’ve set for them. Newsflash, asshole, men are capable of bearing those qualities, too!

We’re human beings, not a gender that you can blame all of your relationship misfortunes on. Just because one woman royally screwed you over does not give you the right to assume that rest of the female population carries out their romantic relationships in the same fashion. How dare you be so sexist as to associate all heartbreaking with our gender. In case you haven’t noticed, men have screwed over women quite often. They have left us for the slore at the club because they’re lonely one night. They’ve played with our head for months just for the thrill of it. But this does not mean that all men carry out these actions. The behavior of one does not frame the behavior of all. And if it’s your turn to draw the short straw, so be it. You learn from it, you bounce back, and you move forward. So stop living in the past and making a mockery of your career. If it weren’t for your poor choice in subject matter, I might have paid more attention to your capabilities as a writer than your inconsistencies as a man.

Sincerely (and very disgruntled),
Kristina Cappuccilli

Kristina Cappuccilli

20-something creative writer turned corporate, armed with big ideas and even bigger dreams. Avid reader, lover of all things musical, incessant blogger. Sucker for movie quotes, feature writing, and a good book. To inspire and be inspired.

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