The Perks of Being Single

Let Freedom Ring

Hello Freedom, let’s be best friends.  Let’s start with Friday night drinks and flirting with the hipster bartender?  Check.  Then stay in on a Saturday night to catch up on “Homeland” while other’s go to their boyfriend’s co-worker’s birthday.  Oh hell yes.   Have cereal for dinner again and wash it down with a glass or two of wine—GET IT GIRL.  Your time is your own and you can do whatever you want without worrying what someone else will think or feel.  No check-in call or text, you do what you want on your watch.

I Don’t Give Any Fucks

I don’t give a fuck about “where is this going.”  I don’t give a fuck that you love your Puggle more than your own brother.  I definitely don’t give a fuck about your ex-girlfriend and how “crazy” she was.  No fucking way do I want to sit and analyze what your texts or mixed signals mean.  And I don’t give a fuck if you’re out for boys night and not texting me back.  No fucks are given by single people.  All you need to think about are your own emotions and keeping them in check.

 “It’s My Life” Bon Jovi Style

It’s called being selfish and everyone is.  No splitting holidays.  You get spend all your holidays with your family because let’s face it…they are better than anyone else’s.  You can go to Vegas with an open conscious that you can get wasted and walk around with your tongue out on the dance floor seeing who will take it.  Turn up that Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus and dance to it in your underwear in the mirror, because a) you look good doing it and b) this is your house, this is your rules.  And by all means, take that extra shot that you know is going to end in vomit and tears—knowing that you will aid your hangover like a rock star with no judgmental “I told you so” eyes.

Love Don’t Cost a Thing

Christmas, anniversary, birthday presents with an entry-level salary?  Absolutely not.  Instead of wasting that money buying shirts for your boyfriend that you WISH he would wear but in turn he probably won’t ever wear, you get to spend that on yourself.  TREAT YO SELF, GIRL.  A Zara blazer, new make-up, swipe away.  Yes, it can be a little annoying to go out to dinner and ALWAYS cover the check and not have the “no baby, let ME get this” but then that’s why you’re having pasta, soup, or cereal at home because your love don’t cost a thing.

Getting My Strange On

Drunk make-outs, regretful or amazing one-night stands, whatever the case may be embrace your inner weirdo and get your freak on because random sex or awkward hook up’s lead to THE BEST brunch stories and your relationship friends LOVE to hear about it.  You may even strike up a conversation with someone at a bar/club that doesn’t resemble a creature from under the bridge and you experience that high/excited/flirty feeling of meeting someone potentially new.

Awkward Sleep Patterns

Sleeping diagonally.  All the covers.  Pure heaven.

Cotton Candy, Sweet & Low Let Me See That Tootsie Roll

It’s called being fattie, plain and simple.  No one is consistently going to be seeing you naked so why not skip that morning spin class?  That last piece of pizza will ALWAYS have your name on it.  If Lena Dunham can eat a piece of cake on the beach and shove pasta down her throat in front of her parents and call it art —then y’all should do the same.  Dig into those drawers and pull out those granny panties and sweatpants with the drawstring because it’s ON.

My Boyfriend, The TV

You have all this time to catch up on TV shows you were never able to watch or had to wait to watch together in fear of spoilers.  Hello, Mad Men and Breaking Bad.  Also, you get to watch those amazing oldies but goodies (I’m looking at you Full House and Boy Meets World) without the eye roll of “are you really watching this again?”  Grab the remote—that’s all yours—and relish in some quality TV time.

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