So…That Happened: Start Stress Eating Satisfries

Welcome back to So…That Happened: Your Weekly News Round Up where, like an under-employed person taking the day off of work to watch the all-Plinko episode of Price Is Right, we endeavor to make you slightly less ignorant about the world’s inevitable collapse. Let’s learn some stuff.

A four day attack at the upscale Westgate Mall in Kenya has left at least 67 people dead, including 61 civilians and 6 security officers. The Somali Islamist group al Shabaab, who launched the siege to demand that Kenya remove its troops from Somalia, has threatened new attacks in the coming weeks. Though the mall is now secure, details on the massacre remain elusive. According to the Red Cross, 61 people are still missing, possibly trapped under a collapsed part of the building. Also unclear is whether Kenyan intelligence officials knew about the assault beforehand and failed to act. At this point, I’m in a constant state of this:

I'm Done

Meanwhile, in the U.S, we’re three days away from a government shutdown. The situation is a big, confusing mess that we shouldn’t even have to talk about, but I will attempt to summarize it for you in 150 words or less: Earlier this week, House Republicans (led by Tea Partier Ted Cruz) added a provision to defund Obamacare to a routine government funding bill. The bill passed the House, but was then stripped of the Obamacare language by the Senate. The bill is now back with the House, so it’s up to House Republicans (and House Speaker John Boehner) to respond. It’s kind of unclear what they’re going to do, but they can either approve the Senate bill and keep the government funded until November 15th or they can amend it before sending it back to the Senate–a move which could delay the bill indefinitely. In any case, if we don’t have a solution by September 30th, the government will shut down. This:

I'm DoneWhat happens in a government shutdown? Well, visa and passport applications won’t be processed, national museums, zoos and parks will be closed, non-essential government workers will be furloughed, servicemen and women will receive IOUs until the shutdown ends, WIC food stamp recipients won’t receive benefits, gun permits won’t be issued, and trash service will be suspended in D.C. There will no doubt be a lot more to say about this next week, but until then, let’s all feel like this:

I'm Done

This week in Doom & Gloom, we’re 95% certainly melting the planet…So, like, sorry Earth. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released a 2,000 page report today that says “it is extremely likely that human influence has been the dominant cause” of global warming since 1950 and that if we don’t do something about it, we will have no more ice for our Long Island Iced Teas (oh no!), acidic oceans, and probably no more continents. Did I mention that if the government shuts down, the EPA will reduce to a skeleton crew? Awesome work Congress. Don’t worry though, because as Fox News quickly pointed out, temperatures have been rising much more slowly over the past 15 years. And if Fox News said it, it has to be true.

I'm Done

Now that I’ve thoroughly harshed your Friday mellow,  let me remind you that lower calorie French fries are now a thing and are called Satisfries. The new fries, introduced by Burger King, have 40% less fat and 30% fewer calories, though Burger King is quick to point out that they’re still not “healthy.” Just…”healthier…” Apparently, they taste okay though. If you need me, I’ll be in the BK drive-thru.

I'm Done

Will the fun ever stop? Drop by next week to find out!

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