Hello and welcome to awards season. Below is a recap of the Golden Globes. You know — the awards show that isn’t as cool as the Emmy’s or the Oscar’s but whatever. Everyone gets wasted and wears really expensive jewelry so it’s fine.
The Red Carpet happened and people looked good and bad. The only thing really worth noting is when Jennifer Lawrence told Taylor Swift she almost pushed her down the stairs. If JLaw pushed TSwift down the stairs, I would have quit my job and became a full-time JLaw worshipper. She also photobombed her. Nailed it.
Other things on the carpet: Julia Roberts dressed up like she was catering a Bat Mitzvah. Drew Barrymore’s dress looked like it had chicken pox. Sofia Vergara did NOT wear a mermaid dress (and looked fabulous). And… Anne Hathaway was no where to be found, so that was good.
After the carpet ended, NBC did a countdown to the start of the show. Like, from 10. They counted. Like it was New Year’s Eve. Why? I don’t know… but… to the show.
The show opened with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler walking on stage and I officially became a lesbian.
Okay, not really, but I thought about it. They had a solid opening. Like, jokes on jokes on jokes on jokes. Here are some of the good ones:
Tina on Hollywood: “We are hosting the Golden Globes for our second times, because this is Hollywood and if something kind of works they’ll just keep doing it until everybody hates it.” But, like, sorry Tina and Amy — I don’ think we’ll ever hate you hosting… so get ready to do it FOR-EV-ERRRR.
Amy on Matt Damon: “Matt, on any other night in any other room you would be a big deal, but tonight – and don’t take this the wrong way – you’re basically a garbage person.”
Tina on Clooney: “George Clooney would rather float into space and die rather than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.”
Amy on Julia Louis-Dreyfus: “Interestingly, Julia has chosen to sit in the film section tonight. Hiiiiii Julia. Hiiiiii. You know us from TV.” Julia, like, wouldn’t even take a selfie with Reese. WHO WAS SHE?!
Amy on Jonah Hill’s Penis: “If I want to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I’d go to one of Jonah Hill’s pool parties.”
Tina on Matthew McConaughey: “For his role in Dallas Buyers Club, he lost 45 pounds – or what actresses call ‘being in a movie’”.
Amy on College: “Masters of Sex is the degree I got from Boston College.” Ohhhh Amy. Didn’t we all.
They. owned. it.
Next, Channing and Mila came on stage to present an award together and my vagina had a heart attack. I mean, what was that? Like, let’s take the best two looking people in Hollywood, put them on stage, and blow people’s brains out fembot style? Yeah, that was exactly what that was.
Matt Damon got on stage and introduced himself – “It’s me. The garbage man.” He also told us he couldn’t see because he forgot his glasses. CELEBS, THEY’RE JUST LIKE US. Now, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t be opposed to Matt Damon being my garbage man… so I don’t know why this is a bad thing.
Jonah Hill proved he is NOT a good eugooglizer… one who speaks at… awards shows. Basically, someone fucked up the teleprompter so he had to improv the intro to his own movie trailer and it was not very good. I’ve also seen his dick. I mean, everyone who saw Wolf of Wall Street did. Or I guess it was a “prosthetic penis” – whatever that is – as Tina told us in the show’s opening. But it still looked like his dick. So that’s a thing.
Breaking Bad won a bunch of shit. Duh.
Paula Patton’s dress thought it was a hat at a royal wedding and I got really distracted looking at it so I don’t know what happened when she was on stage.
A bunch of boring, unimportant stuff happened next. I mean, Diddy and Usher were on stage together and didn’t even collaborate for ‘I Need A Girl.‘ No one was even listening in the audience. They were all like ‘when are the Oscars?’ or more like ‘when is the after party?‘
For some reason, Kevin Bacon’s daughter was named Miss Golden Globes… whatever that means.
Amy Poehler dressed up as Tina Fey’s adult child from a previous relationship to appear as Mr. Golden Globes. His name, Randy. Meet… Randy Fey.
Does he make you horny? Does he make you randy baby YeAhHhHh?!?! AUSTIN POWERS LOL.
Randy asked Miss Golden Globes, Sosie, a funny question. He said, “Your name is Sosie? What are you? The olympics?” This time we’ll ROFL.
I then had a moment where I wondered what it would be like if Morgan Freeman was narrating the Golden Globes. That could be interesting.
Emma Thompson then took the stage – heels in one hand, a drink in the other.
Then she threw her Loubs. Idk why, but WHY NOT I GUESS. Heels are a fucking pain in my ass. As I said before… Celebs, they’re just like us… except they can afford and have nicer things… such as… Loubs.
Andy Samberg won best actor in a comedy series for Brooklyn Nine Nine (I don’t know why… yet) and he made out with some bitch. Okay, JK. She’s not a bitch. She’s his wife. So she’s his bitch. But I’m still mad he’s not mine. I could be his bitch. I’m a great bitch. Also, I’m On A Boat. That is all.
Julia Louis Dryfus made out with a hot dog… one time.
Basically, she had to move over to the “TV side” of the room from the “film side” to eat. Because TV people eat. NOM NOM MOTHER FUCKERS. You eat that hot dog Julia.
Tina and Amy were jealous of Emma and brought their drinks on stage. Unfortunately they didn’t have the Loubs to go with them. Womp wompppppp.
Melissa McCarthy told us she would rather be at home with her beautiful wife Matt Damon, the garbage man who can’t read without glasses. LOL.
Behind The Candle Bra won something. Okay I know it’s not called that, but I call it that, so fucking sue me.
Amy Poehler won best actress in a comedy series and celebrated by making out with Bono. Interesting way to celebrate. But why wasn’t Mindy Kaling nominated? IDK my bff jill. Someone? Anyone?!?!
Emma Stone then came on stage. I forget why. But she looked ano. Does she eat?
Girls then premiered Season 3 over on HBO and I chose to watch the Golden Globes over it. ‘This show better get better,’ I thought to myself.
Diane Keaton gave Woody Allen one of those lifetime achievement awards. While they played that boring montage of his movies, I googled him and saw they were once married.. or dated… or something. That was an educational moment for me. Then, I became mesmerized with Diane Keaton’s gray hair and decided I may want to go with gray at my next hair appointment. Gray is the new black. No? Okay.
The director of Gravity won for directing a movie in space… and then he told us about the time Sandy B mistook the word herpes for ear piece. Hehe.
Brooklyn Nine Nine won best comedy. But… how did The Mindy Project not even get nominated? It’s clearly the funniest show on TV. Oh well, I should probs start watching Brooklyn Nine Nine. But I know Mindy is better. Duh.
MEANWHILE, I WAS BREAKING A SWEAT TWEETING UP A STORM. AWARDS SHOWS ARE MY CARDIO.
Jennifer Lawrence won yet another award and I began to wonder whether or not she has a bikini bridge. I mean, she probably does. Right?
Leo finally won an award, but he did not crawl off stage like he had cerebral palsy like he did in Wolf of Wall Street. Sigh. Hopefully he wins that Oscar (he probably won’t but it’s fine, maybe one day).
American Hustle won best comedy. Jennifer Lawrence is going to have a severe complex one day if she ever goes a year without starring in an award winning movie.
Tina Fey broke TVs everywhere because she said the word vagina. I wish she could have went with “VAGINE” or “VAG” or something slightly less vulgar because I really would have loved to hear her introduce presenter Leo in said fashion – “Like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s give a warm welcome to Leonardo Dicaprio!” That may or may not have been the best quote of the night. And I have to mention, I would be a fantastic supermodel’s vagina. The warmest of welcomes I would give to Leo. WINK WINK BITCHES.
Matthew McConaughey won best actor for Dallas Buyers’ Club. Remember when he was Benjamin Barry and Kate Hudson named his dick Princess Sophia? Because that happened.
The Golden Globes music started giving me anxiety at this point. Xanax? Where art thou? I wanted sleep.
12 Years a Slave won best drama. Not a surprise. Not anything I needed to stay up for. Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.
UNTIL NEXT TIME…