That’s right. I said it. Even if your Facebook says “In a Relationship” (and it’s not with your middle school bestie or a bottle of pinot noir), Valentine’s Day is the absolute worst. I know what you’re thinking, whiny single people: I should stop complaining because at least I have an S/O with whom I can spend the 14th. But guess what: I can give you eleven convincing reasons why even the coupled are miserable on Valentine’s Day, the most overrated holiday.
1. First of all, it’s only a big deal because the Romance Industrial Complex tells us it’s a big deal. Since when do cheesy cards and shitty Whitman Samplers mean you love someone? I have no clue.
2. In reality, it’s a holiday pretty much everyone dreads. It makes couples feel inadequate and your single friends feel alienated.
3. The only people do enjoy it are the smug couples who want to rub their love in everyone’s faces.
4. And you’d better believe every single one of those smug bastards goes out to eat at the fanciest prix fixe restaurant where they tip their waitress 5% because she didn’t bring their water within thirty seconds of them sitting down.
5. Every single decent restaurant in town is packed. Forget about getting reservations.
6. If you do manage to get a table somewhere nice, you’ll spend all of your money on food because you’re supposed to eat oysters, right?
7. No matter where you go, you’ll see excessive PDA from other couples who have been together two months and think they’re the greatest couple that’s ever coupled. Let me know how your relationship is going in two months, mkay?
8. As a result, you’ll start to wonder why your S/O isn’t more lovey-dovey. We’ve built up Valentine’s Day to be a litmus test for how our relationships are doing. If my boyfriend doesn’t get me flowers, he doesn’t love me. If my girlfriend can’t get off work at night, we’re never going to last. It’s ridiculous.
9. You may even begin to worry about what it means that your relationship isn’t matching up with the typical Valentine’s Day standards.
10. And in the end, not matter how much romance you try to infuse, you’ll probably just end the date the same way you always do: eating a burnt dinner, having some awkward sex, and going to bed by 11:00pm.
11. What do you have one week later? Dead flowers and another three pounds of truffle weight.
In conclusion, if you plan on furiously making out on the street this Valentine’s Day while the rest of us try to get on with our “inadequate romances,” please try to remember that a random day in February is not an excuse to act like a disgusting crazy person. When it comes to relationships, once size does not fit everyone. Even if the Jared ads want you to believe otherwise.
By the way, tip your damn waiters.