Where is spring? It’s officially been spring for over a week now, and yet I still have to wear my snow boots if I want to leave the house without dying of frostbite. I’ve been anxiously awaiting spring since approximately October, so it would be a bit of an understatement to say that I’m growing impatient. So I did a little research to try to figure out exactly where spring is.
- With Carmen Sandiego
- With Lindsay Lohan’s career
- With Nic Cage’s money
- With Meg Ryan’s face
- With Kristen Stewart’s smile
- With my tax refund
- With the other sock
- With your marbles
- Where the wild things are
- Up your butt and around the corner
- In the Bermuda Triangle
- Bend over and I’ll show you
Where is Spring? We will sooner know the answers to these unanswerable questions:
- How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?
- What is “is”?
- When will the world end?
- When will Justin Bieber’s balls drop?
- How do magnets work?
It feels like this winter has taken longer than:
- A trip to the DMV
- The wait at the doctor’s office before a pelvic exam
- The grocery store line when you’re buying tampons
- The last 15 minutes of class or work
- The wait for the second season of Orange is the New Black
- The wait for the last 8 episodes of Breaking Bad to air
- The wait for the last 8 episodes of Breaking Bad to appear on Netflix
- The wait for the Spice Girls to reunite again
By the time spring gets here, we could accomplish pretty much everything that has ever been on our to do list:
- Solve world hunger
- Finish a 3D puzzle
- Eat all remaining Shamrock Shakes
- Grow full beards–even the ladies, but not Justin Bieber
- Read the Lord of the Rings series
- Watch Forrest Gump, The Wolf of Wall Street, Avatar and Titanic
- Discover how to end a game of Monopoly
- Play a full game of Monopoly
- Lick to the center of the Tootsie pop
- Break in my purple clogs
The world will be a different place when spring finally shows it face:
- Hipsters will have become passe and being unhip will be the new ironic thing to be.
- Everyone will be wearing either Google glass or Oculus Rift in public.
- Women will have equal rights.
- Suri Cruise will have gone through puberty (Justin Bieber will not have).
- The Ashton/Mila spawn will have grown up to star in a hit sitcom called “That Show About the Decade after year 2000 That Will Never have a Proper Name.”
- Chip Wilson will have apologized for calling Lululemon customers fat and perpetuating the myth that women need to have a thigh gap.
- The thigh gap will have gone out of style and been replaced with the tooth gap.
- Neptune will no longer be a planet.
Of course, now that I’ve written this post, spring will probably be a dick and show up just to make me look dumb. And that’s fine. I’m willing to take one for the team if it means warm weather will be here soon. I’m tired of breaking in my purple clogs. It’s time to break in my purple flip flops.