I’m a 26-year-old, gainfully employed, engaged to be married, first-time home-buyer. To all you women haters, I realize that I sound like a complete stereo type but I can assure you I am not. I almost always have dirty hair, I have very few girl friends, I’m more often then not wearing sneakers, I am constantly eating popcorn, I always have food in my hair, I think debt is fun, I aspire to be covered in tattoos and my favorite pastime is binge watching crap television.
1. I bought a house.
A week ago, I closed on a house with my fiancé. Exciting right? Think again. As excited as I am for my new pin board, (I’m such a Pinterest whore) inside I’m freaking the fuck out, and it turns out, for good reason. Over the course of 4 days, we had no hot water in the shower (mind you, my hair was on about Day 4), our smoke detector talks (hearing “Evacuate Now!” at 5 AM is not cool), there was a hidden crack (wider than the Grand Canyon) in the basement, and, oh ya, our house was jacked up off the foundation… twice. To top it all off, cleaning a kitchen sink pea trap, where old food goes to die, is not glamorous. Don’t let the home improvement shows on DIY Network and HGTV fool you. That pea trap sprayed more black murky water on us than a Black Sea mermaid. WTF, did we get ourselves into?
2. I got into a car accident.
When your parents aren’t around to pay your deductible anymore, this one totally bites the big one. Turns out, paying $500 for a round of real-life bumper cars isn’t as fun as one may think. Not to mention, get yelled at by a complete stranger in the freezing cold, as if you meant to hit them, is totally fun too (sarcasm people). Listen lady, my car is just as damaged as yours. Give me your information, call your insurance company, and shut the fuck up. Moving on. I crack myself up, I cried and apologized profusely. I’m such a baby. Needless to say, I would have much rather spent $500 on an online shopping spree at Apple, which leads me to my next point…
3. My fiancé drove off with my iPad on his roof.
I really don’t know how I’m going to survive this one, unless of course someone out there in cyber space wants to buy me a new one?! Any takers? Ya, I didn’t think so. I’ve already contemplated filing a fake police report, don’t judge me, but my stupid integrity got in the way. Do you know how sad it is to think that I can’t waste hours of my unproductive life in bed watching premium television? I mean seriously, now I can’t spend a shameful amount of hours wrapped up in my white comforter, engulfed in the sheer madness of Game of Thrones. Not to mention, I know longer have an excuse for binge eating an entire bag of Pirates Booty and holding my pee for 3 hours. It’s just not fair!
4. When Chipotle 3x a week doesn’t fit in your budget anymore (because you bought a god damn house).
Enough said. Sheer Panic.
5. When work colleagues notice you’ve worn the same pair of jeans 3 days in a row.
Not sure if this makes any sense, but when someone in the office notices the bottom half of my wardrobe hasn’t change, I don’t care “care” but I kind of care because I don’t want to be called out on my shit. How do you know that I don’t have three pairs of the same pair of jeans lying around? One of these days I just want to start crying and whimper “these jeans are all that fit me right now” but I’m no Regina George. Or maybe it’s because all the 40 year old men in my office would look at me like I was some kind of a lunatic because they don’t understand the pop culture Mean Girl’s reference. What was that you asked, is that chocolate stain? You’re god damn right it is, got a problem? If it bothers you, give me $40 in quarters and I can assure the chocolate stain will disappear. (I wouldn’t say that in real life either, man, I suck.)
6. The inability to locate bobby pins.
Guys just don’t understand but bobby pins are probably one of a girl’s biggest necessities in life and why is it when you don’t need them they are everywhere and when you do need them they are nowhere to be found. I absolutely panic when I can’t find them because I can’t possible pull off a good dirty-hair day without them.
7. Bumping into someone with no makeup on.
Long time no see, how ya been? Obviously not so good, considering I look like shit because I have NO makeup on right now. Like seriously, I don’t even have a dollop of face lotion on, couldn’t you have done me solid and pretended like you didn’t see me as I feverishly dodged down the tampon aisle. It’s always the moments when you have to run to the mall or CVS for one thing and then boom, there they are, staring at your zit and reporting home to their friends about how terrible you look. Why can’t I just bump into someone when I’m looking hot as shit on a random Tuesday and not “I just puked for two hours straight” hung over and bloated on a Sunday ? You would think after feeling my heart in my stomach a couple of times (or the fact that I recently celebrated my 26th birthday) would make me at the very least wash my face and comb my hair before stepping out the door. But no, I like to live life more “dangerously” than that. Instead, I look in the mirror, convince myself I won’t see anyone and march out the door in an over-sized sweatshirt, all because I’m “hungry” aka bored.