Allow me to paint a lovely picture for you. It’s currently 9 am and I’m sitting crisscross applesauce on my bed, chugging a blue Gatorade and I’m 99% sure I am still drunk. My head is pounding, I might puke, all I keep thinking about is the 1:30 am shot of Fireball I took that really put me over the edge and I kind of really want to die.
One thing is clear: I DO NOT bounce back like I used to.
Right now, I hate me life and this is becoming weekly Saturday morning occurrence. Back in the day I went out Thursday, Friday and Saturday – I was a fucking champ. But at this very moment in time I am quite sure I will never drink again. Why do I do this to myself? I’m recalling a time in my life when my twenty something year old friend warned me this day would come, I didn’t believe it was true. Oh, but it is. The older you get, the longer your hangover. #notfair
I’m quite confident that I will be nursing this hangover until tomorrow night around 8pm. I’ve tried ALL my old standbys but haven’t had any luck. Pizza? Besides the fact it makes me fat, it longer cures my nausea. Gatorade? It bloats me, tastes delicious but doesn’t do shit. Advil? Apparently my hangover headaches cannot be cured by pain relieving medications. I’m literally out of options, all I can do is lay here in bed clutching my stomach waiting for this horrible nightmare to end. Pray for me.
If you are currently in the exact same situation as me – you have my sympathy. Not only is it completely miserable to be this hung-over but it’s also utterly embarrassing to be forced to admit to yourself that you are in fact OLD. Are grey hairs going to start showing up? Am I going to start reading the newspaper and eating weird old people foods like pea soup and pot roast? Am I going to need Botox before I’m 40? ANIXETY!
Status Update: It’s been confirmed; I’m definitely still drunk. So that this post isn’t a complete waste I’m going to provide you with 3 suggestions to make sure that this NEVER happens to you.
(I didn’t do any of these last night, hence my suicidal thoughts so early in the morning)
#1. Eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when you get home – it seriously works every time. There’s probably a scientifical reason for this but IDK what it is, I was a communications major, I know very little about anything useful.
#2. Drink PediaLite before & after alcohol – keeps you super hydrated.
#3. Don’t underestimate the power of Fireball – self explanatory. That’s all I’ve got! I’m pretty impressed with myself given my current state. Not to toot my own horn but…toot toot.
I feel like I should say something funny to prove to you that I am ACTUALLY drunk while writing this but I can’t think of anything. I’ll just leave you with the lyrics of the song I’ve been humming for the past hour.
“Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass…STOP, now make that motherfucker hammer time”