20 Things You Experience While Flying

1. TSA 

TSA

Is it just me or does anyone else find it extremely difficult not to break out into the YMCA at the security checkpoint?

Probably wouldn't go over so well...
Probably wouldn’t go over so well…

2. WASTING MONEY IN THE AIRPORT: 

Doodie. Lolz.
Doodie. Lolz.

Hudson News, you always get me. With your overpriced Dasani water & Pop Chips. Or magazines that I never read but when I see in the stand I’m like “Well, it’s gonna be a long flight I might as well brush up on who’s wearing it best.” Also, I will never walk by the Duty Free store and not go “Hah…doodie” to myself in my head.

3. When You’re The Last Zone To Board:

Ok, is it just me or do people in Zone 1 act like they’re better than everyone else? Let me tell you something…

youaintshit

4. Women Who Get Dressed Up To Fly:

TELL 'EM KATHY
TELL ‘EM KATHY

If your attire in the airport is anything other than “frumpy casual”, you’re doing it wrong. Example:

Just...why?
Just…why?

5. The Awkward Music On The Plane Before You Take Off:

This happened. And it was glorious.
This happened. And it was glorious.

U.S. Airways didn’t quite pick up on sarcasm, but I do applaud their social media efforts. Everyone in row 19 was mad jealous.

6. Sky Mall…WTF?

I know you want me.
I want to watch you sleep.

This is a real product. I know, FINALLY, there’s a place to buy a mounted squirrel head with awkwardly long arms & way too much chest hair. And he’s yours for only $30! You’d have to be NUTS not to get him! I’m not sorry for that.

7. Sitting Next To Someone Who Won’t Stop Talking:

How I feel on the inside...while awkwardly smiling & pretending not to be annoyed.
How I feel on the inside…while awkwardly smiling & pretending not to be annoyed.

A little bit of small talk here and there is fine, but anything more than that, and it’s overkill. I find anyone who is in a good enough mood while traveling to chit-chat for hours on end deeply concerning. Eventually, I pull the old “Just gonna casually pull out my headphones and hope they take the hint” trick, which for some reason they don’t interpret as “Kindly shut the fuck up”. They keep talking, so I remove my earbud and politely smile or nod to whatever they said, then spend the next 30 seconds with one earbud in. Or course the second I put it back, they start talking again. It’s a vicious cycle.

8. When The Person In Front Of You Puts Their Seat All The Way Back:

leanback

I always forget putting your seat back is a thing until the person in front of me does it. For some reason, my immediate reaction is anger. “Go ahead asshole, make yourself comfortable!” Then I proceed to push my seat as far back as I can. In hindsight, this isn’t very effective because rather than retaliating I just piss off the person behind me. Basically the entire plane turns into a game of hypocritical dominos.

9. You Have To Pee Really Bad, But The Person Next To You Is Sleeping:

whattodo

Anyone who knows me knows that I will go to great lengths to avoid an awkward moment. Even if that means peeing in my pants or giving myself a U.T.I. Seriously though, when a total stranger is passed out next to you, WHAT DO YOU DO? The first option is to try to climb over them, but unless you’re in Cirque Du Soleil you’re probably gonna fuck that up.

The tap on the shoulder thing though is still intimidating. Cause what if it doesnt’ work? Do you just keep tapping? Do you shake them? Do you cough really loudly? I usually wait until I’m in excruciating pain, then start the process of stepping over them without actually doing it. That way when they wake up I’m not on top of them & they think I’m a nice person for at least attempting not to disturb their slumber (even though that’s what I’ve been silently scheming for 45 minutes). Oof. Life is hard when you’re awkward.

10. Someone On The Plane Is Farting, And It’s Not Ok:

You’re enjoying your “Chill” playlist when all of the sudden…BAM. You’re punched in the face by a dank ass fart.

gaggif

This is seriously one of the most offensive things a human can do to other humans. Did you put your iPhone on airplane mode? Good. How about that asshole…(I elaborate more on this here: It’s Time We Talked About Airplane Farts)

11. Speaking Of…The Sound of The Toilet Flushing:

WOOOOOSH. I know it’s going to be loud. I always think I’m ready for it. I’m never ready.

Me, every time the toilet flushes.
Me, every time the toilet flushes.

12. Watching Someone Else’s Movie:

lookingaway

I’m not good at making decisions. Or sometimes I try and use the time on the flight productively (which is always a little too ambitious), so I don’t even browse the In-Flight Entertainment. At a certain point on every flight, I find myself getting sucked into whatever the person next to or diagonal from me is watching. I know it’s annoying. But I can’t help it.

13. Constantly Checking How Much Time Is Left On The Flight:

What about now?
What about now?

Call me crazy, but I need time frames. I can’t start a chapter in a book without knowing how long it is, I don’t like not knowing when the next train is coming, so I certainly am going to need to know how much longer I have to remain 30,000 feet in the air. Time to Destionation: You are my best friend.

14. Airplane Food, Am I Right?

My reaction when they came around with Cheese Tortellini in a Tomato Cream Sauce
My reaction when they came around with Cheese Tortellini in a Tomato Cream Sauce

I know this one is cliche, but it needs to be addressed. I just don’t understand why they feel the need to have menu items like it’s a 5 star Italian bistro. Lower the bar a little bit, or simplify the ingredients. Perhaps something like, bread & butter. Nothing on the menu needs to have cream sauce.

15. CHICKEN OR PASTA?!

whatdidyousay

I always bring my own food on flights, so when they come around with the meals I never pay attention. Needless to say, it’s always extremely unsettling when I’m half asleep or zoning out listening to music, when all of the sudden I’m snapped out of it by an overly enthusiastic flight attendant. “CHICKEN OR PASTA?!” First of all, why don’t they ask if you even want the meal first? Second, at this point, everyone knows what the options are. Out of context though, I think this is a phenomenal pick up line.

16. When They BLAST The Lights On Without Any Warning:

WOOF.
WOOF.

Nothing like from going from dark to FLORESCENT without any warning whatsoever. Talk about going from 0 to 60. Jesus.

17. Landing

My face when the plane lands.

“HOLY SHIT. WE ARE GOING SO FAST RIGHT NOW HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THIS VEHICLE CAN EVER STOP?!?!”-Me, every time we land, while pretending not to be concerned. Taking off for me is easy. But that 30 seconds on the runway when you feel like you’re going 23984729 miles per hour, scares the shit out of me.

18. Turning Your Phone Back On:

My phone's about to BLOW UPPPPP
My phone’s about to BLOW UPPPPP

The pilot says the magic words “You may now turn on your electronic devices.” You swipe airplane mode off…and you wait for it. Cause you’re about to get like, so many texts. I mean, that was a 6 hour flight. Surely, people noticed you went off the grid. And then, nothing. “Ok, it’s probably just taking a few minutes for the connection to come back…” But then everyone else’s phone starts buzzing & beeping. FINALLY, you hear the magic sound. It’s your mom, telling you to call her when you land.

19. Why Are We Still On The Plane?

You finally land. You can see the terminal. It’s so close. And then the pilot tells you there’s a bit of “runway traffic”, but you’ll be able to approach the gate shortly. The is the airplane equivalent to “Ladies & Gentleman, the train is behind held momentarily by the dispatcher. We apologize for any inconvenience.”

GET ME OFF THIS VEHICLE.
GET ME OFF THIS VEHICLE.

20. The Person Who Doesn’t Have Their Shit Together When It’s Time To Get Off The Plane: 

GET IT TOGETHER DUDE.
GET IT TOGETHER DUDE.

We landed 30 MINUTES AGO and NOW it occurs to you to get your stuff out of the overhead compartment?

As you can see, flying can be frustrating. It’s a good thing baggage claim always goes really smoothly.

 

 

katiehaller

I am a comedian, writer, actress, & also rapper living in NYC. I'm 4'11 so naturally my rap name is T-Spoon. Dating confuses me, so I like to write about it. The way to my heart is probably through fart jokes and puppies. (Here's the part where I encourage you to follow me on twitter @halleratyou)

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