The 7 Stages of Sunburning

It’s happened to you. You head outside for a day in the sun and contemplate which SPF to put on. 50? No, too high. 30? Ehh, you won’t get any color. 15? Okay, you’ll do one. Finally after you’re “all lathered up,” you get a taste of those summer rays and boy do they feel glorious. You spend your summer day lounging in the sun taking in that vitamin d, floating around in a body of water, and/or being active. Time goes by so quickly and a couple hours later, it begins. IT being that horrible thing that happens to you maybe once every summer (or so you say). You, my friend, are getting sunburnt.

Here are the 7 stages of sunburning. Try not to cringe while living your nightmare below. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

1. Denial. Your friends try to warn you that you’re looking a little red, but you don’t feel like you’re burnt so you reassure them that your skin just has a reddish tint and you’re fine. They insist you reapply, but you say nahhh. It’s after 1pm, so the sun isn’t as strong anymore. You’ll be fine. After some time passes and you’re ready to stop “tanning,” it starts again. Except this time almost everyone is expressing sympathy for you and the others are just telling you how much of an IDIOT you are because, like, what kind of adult turns 12 shades of red during summer? Again, you tell these people you will be fine. You don’t even know how you got a burn. You put on sunscreen. I mean, you, like, never burn so this is a total fluke thing. It will probably turn into a tan later. SHUT UP EVERYONE.

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2. Pain. Okay. They were right. You have a sunburn. You have a sunBURN. You have a SUNBURN. Fucking fuck fuck fuck. You look like a moron. No, you feel like a moron. OUCH. It hurts to sit. AHH. It hurts to lean your back against the chair. SHIT. You feel like your face is going to peel off.

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 3. Anger. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY YOU? Why didn’t you put on enough sunscreen??? Why couldn’t you have reapplied? It would have taken 2 seconds. You are an idiot. A stupid fucking idiot. Aloe vera, SOOTHE YOUR PAIN. Wow, that feels good. BUT NOW YOU’RE ALL STICKY. WHY IS THIS ALOE SHIT SO STICKY?

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4. Guilt. Ugh, you are never not wearing sunscreen again. This is pretty bad. What if you start peeling? What if you get skin cancer? You suddenly wish you went about this whole day differently. You start to wish you never went outside. You can’t believe what you have done to your beautiful body. *CUE THE INNER TEARS*

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5. Depression. You look horrible. You feel horrible. You are basically a horrible person. You can’t move without feeling pain. Your eyes are all puffy. YOU CAN’T EVEN WORK OUT. Okay, maybe you can work out, but you’re always looking for an excuse not to… Basically, you suck at life. Man up, pussy!

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6. Acceptance. You realize there’s nothing you can do about your lobster red body. She’s not going anywhere. At least not yet. But you will try and help speed up her disappearance with you trusty, sticky friend Aloe Vera. #LIFE.

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7. Hope. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan. She will turn into a tan.

Right?

After all, a wise person did once say…

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Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. My first book, AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME, is coming out in January (you can buy it right now on Amazon or from your fave bookstore!). I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Writing is fun. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @20somethingproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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