Dun dun dun… Behold: The Mass Text.
Once it hits your phone, there’s no way to know what’s going to come next. It depends who sent the initial text, who’s in the group, and what the discussion is about. No matter what though, there always seems to be those same couple of people in every group text message chain. Here they are:
1. The One Who Wants OUT.
It might not be the same person every time, but there is always that one person who asks to be removed. Maybe they don’t have a smartphone and can’t actually get mass texts. Maybe they are BUSY WORKING and want everyone to LEAVE THEM ALONE. Maybe they are just having a bad day and don’t give a shit about what is going on in the conversation. Whatever the reason, though, there is always that one person who wants to be taken off the group text immede. And thanks to Apple’s upcoming release, we’ll be able to take them off soon… and by we, I mean iPhone users, because if you’re not using an iPhone… who even are you?
2. The One Who Doesn’t Actually Read Texts.
They just pop in and out of the conversation when they feel like it. No need to waste time catching up on all they texts they missed before. They’ll just ask questions again that you already answered. Or, even worse, they’ll claim to not know something at a later date when you SWEAR you already told them. It’s like, do you even read group text messages??? No? Okay.
3. The One Who Has 1-on-1 Conversations.
You know… It’s that person who only has something to say to one of the people on a mass text, but for some reason finds it necessary to text that person with a bunch of other people included on the chat. It’s like, ummm hellooooo. You are in a group text. My phone is going off every 5 seconds. This is an A and B conversation. Can you please C the conversation elsewhere?? And by elsewhere I mean NOT IN A MASS TEXT? Thanks.
4. The Random Number.
Wait. Who is that? Like, are you supposed to know who they are? Should you ask? Or should you NOT ask because maybe you’re supposed to know who they are? And if that’s not the case – especially if you know who the person is, and that they’re not your friend (like maybe they’re your EX) – should you even take part in this group text message? You don’t want to converse with people you don’t actually know. Remember the awkward turtle? He wants to come out and play whenever this happens.
5. The Business Texter.
They are how this whole thing started. They are the one who sends out group texts to fill people in on weekend plans, ask people about prospective vacations, and make arrangements for day trips. They’re not asking for people to start talking about their days, or to send a bunch of emojis while cracking jokes. They’re asking people strictly to answer their questions and stop texting the others in the group text immediately, because while they were the one who started the whole thing in the first place, they’re not down with the annoying conversations that follow.
6. The One Who Goes Off Topic.
Jumping off of the above, The Business Texter effing HATES The One Who Goes Off Topic. This is the person in the mass text who doesn’t reply to the initial question asked in the chat, but instead starts a completely different conversation diverting everyone from talking about the thing they were supposed to talk about. This person is me. I am sorry.
7. The One Who Won’t Stop.
This is the texter that never ends… and they go on and on my friends… Even Lamb Chop wouldn’t put up with this shit. This person is the one who fires text message after text message, responding to every little thing that is said and then some. Every time you think it’s over and your phone is going to stop going off, it doesn’t… strictly because of this person. Even if everyone stops responding! It’s like, stop trying to make this conversation happen. It’s not going to happen.
8. The One Who Speaks In Emoji.
So, there you have it. Am I right, or am I right? Which one are you?