Forget FOMO, I have ISFWMO – I’m Seriously Fine With Missing Out. Life is tiring. Also, life is expensive. I can’t be expected to go out, buy drinks, and actually enjoy myself all within the span of one night, multiple times a week, can I? Up until I hit 25, I was generally down to go out and rage WHENEVER I wanted to. Now, I am a lot more interested in watching Netflix, working on that Great American Novel I became a bartender in order to write, and Instagramming pictures of my dog. Apparently, those are not sound excuses for not wanting to be social, thus, the dilemma: I don’t want to hang out with people, ever, but I also don’t want to be an asshole. I love being able to decline invitations, but that also entails having invitations to decline…which means people can’t get too angry with me and just stop inviting me out altogether.
Basically, 99% of the time, when someone suggests going to do something that involves me wearing clothes other than yoga pants, I’m like
But then I come up with some great excuses.
1. “I’ll try to be there!”
Because you know, I’m SOOOOOOO busy finding new shows to binge watch and work to avoid doing. But if you think I’m actually doing something else with my time, there’s a good chance you’ll understand when I completely blow it off.
2. “I’m sick.”
Yes, Karen Smith knew best. Your friends might be all “Boo, you whore,” but meanwhile you’re just like…”yes, I am really sick…sick of standing in a crowded bar, paying $11.00 for a weak vodka soda and then saying something awkward to the only cute guy who talks to me all night.”
3. “I’m working late.”
Of course you are. Of. Course. You. Are.
4. “My dog is sick.”
Always a valid excuse. Actually, my dog is sick of me leaving it home while I go hang out with people, and then coming home and putting him in stupid costumes for my own amusement. A drunk dog owner is arguably more annoying and irresponsible than a sober boring one.
5. “I have a date!”
Can’t come to girls night! Sorry, I have a date! With who? Oh, remember that guy I met last time we all went out?! “The homeless guy asking for change?!” No. You asshole, not that one. Anyway, yeah, I’m going to dinner with him. It’s probably going to go really well, and I’ll probably be so high off finding my future husband that I won’t be any fun after.
…aka, I’m going home, immediately taking my bra off, and then I’m going to sit around and stalk Instagram and Facebook for three hours. Same thing.
6. “Ah, drinking wine and copying a landscape painting sounds so fun, but I really have a lot of other stuff going on right now.”
AKA, I was considering taking a shower but then I was like…ehhhhhh…fuck it. So even if I did make any discerning effort to be there, I’d be three hours late.
7. “I’m already home, and I’ve got SO much to do.”
Which is actually totally valid. By the time you leave work, get home, eat something, and sit down, you’re probably too exhausted from finding your keys in your purse to really put effort into going out.
8. “Oh no, I spent way too much money last weekend.”
True or not, this is a sentiment everyone can understand.
9. “I forgot!”
No. I didn’t forget about your co-worker’s sisters’ pre-going away party party, I just actually thought it was a fucking stupid excuse to get Tapas and didn’t feel like going. But omg, so sorry, it’s just…my phone died, and I worked late, and I totally missed your texts and calls and FB messages and somehow wound up just being a homebody and having no issue with it.
10. “I’m dead.”
You could always use this figuratively, but I say go big and stay home. If you can fake your own death to get out of showing up to an engagement party, I would highly recommend it. You can only pretend to be impressed by a halo cut so many times a month, after all.