Apartment living ain’t easy. Especially when you are at that awkward age in your mid-20s where you can’t yet afford to live in a nice building in a nice area, but you feel way too old to live in any apartment you actually can afford. Here are 10 types of people you may (aka will probably) encounter while living in your small, carpeted apartment that is quite possibly in the vicinity of a nearby college:
1. The Gymnasts. But seriously, are you guys gymnasts? Like what are you doing up there? Back flips? Running to mount the vault? Why does it constantly sound like someone is ferociously jumping up and down? Do you people sleep?
2. The Showoffs. Okay, we get it. You are *great* at sex and can fuck for an infinite amount of time… and your GF is a screamer. Is that scream legit though? One may never know… But seriously. Can you guys calm down? Some of us are trying to watch the Kardashians with no interruptions. SHUT UP, PLZ.
3. The Fighters. All you people do is scream at each other. Why do you live in the same apartment? It remains a complete mystery to me.
4. The Smokers. Must you smoke inside? MUST YOU?
5. The Random Oldie. Why do you live in an apartment complex with broke 20-somethings? Why don’t you live in the suburbs or in a brownstone or in a building not surrounded by college students and recent grads? Do you live alone? Do you have a family? Did you have a family? Did they kick you out? Do you enjoy living here? SO MANY QUESTIONS I WILL NEVER ASK.
6. The One Who Always Get Packages. Umm, is this person paying Amazon’s rent? How in the world can they afford so much stuff? What are they buying? Do they ever leave their apartment? It’s a new package every day.
7. The Foreign Cooker. Ahhhhh. Every time you step foot in the hallway, there always seems to be some crazy scent coming from The Foreign Cooker’s apartment. What the EFF are they cooking?! Curry??? Time to run into my apartment to avoid taking in the fumes. Ahhhhh.
8. The Band. You live in a building with other people. Do you think it’s necessary to play the drums in the morning? Or belt out music at night? No. This isn’t a college dorm. Go get yourself a space to be loud. Your post-college apartment is the quiet car of living spaces. You’re not in your parents house where you can do whatever you want. You’re not in college where everyone is drunk and not giving a fuck 24/7. And you’re not rich enough to own your own place, so suck it up and STFU. People are trying to meditate in peace here, thanks.
9. The Youths. This is the 3rd year in my apartment complex and for some reason every year, the people that live in it keep getting younger. Or wait… Am I just getting older? Ugh, I should move.
10. The One(s) You Avoid. These are the people who you fear hear everything that goes on in your apartment – from sex to fights with your boyfriend to drunken singing with friends… You have made it a point to never run into them ever… and if you ever do, you will never make eye contact. For instance, if you hear someone going up to your floor ahead of you, you wait. If you think you hear someone coming up to your floor while you’re unlocking your door, you unlock it faster and run inside before they see you. Why do you do this? You’re not sure.