Can we talk about Pinterest for a minute? Never before have I experienced such an overwhelming emotional roller-coaster (and I’ve dated my fair share of idiots). One second I’m all pumped up about crafting the most adorable autumn centerpiece and mastering the perfect “casual” updo, and the next second I’m openly weeping because my centerpiece looks like roadkill covered in burnt leaves, and my hair is slightly reminiscent of Miss Frizzle from the Magic School Bus (side note: who else misses this show?!). Pinterest is just one of those things I love to hate. But, regardless of how much I try to stay away, I keep coming back for more torture and another shot to my ego. I know I can’t be alone in this (at least I sure hope I’m not). So, here’s just a few of the things that run through my mind while scrolling through the biggest time-suck of our generation.
1. “I’m a fat, pudgy mess.”
Yes, this is it. Bring on the intense workouts. I’m going to completely commit myself to being fit, toned and healthy. That glistening, tanned and ripped midsection in a pink sports bra staring at me from my computer screen is the motivation I needed. I bet she doesn’t need to suck in her stomach or hike her pants up when she sits down. From now on it’s kale and planking all day, every day. This “3 Minute Workout” seems totally doable. Wait, you want me to do WHAT? I don’t think my legs move that way. I’m just going to grab a bag of Hot Cheetos and sit on the couch. I’ll get fit tomorrow.
2. “I’m stepping up my culinary game.”
No more Easy Mac and frozen pizza. I’m going to start straight up cooking. So many Pinterest recipes, so little time. Who knew there were this many different types of dip in the world? And apparently, pretty much anything this planet could ever need can be made in a crockpot. Or is it a slow cooker? Is there a difference? I don’t know. This recipe calls for sautéed vegetables as an INGREDIENT? That’s not an ingredient… that’s how much effort I put into an entire meal. I’m having peanut butter and jelly. I’ll save the fancy recipes for when I “entertain”. Oh right, I don’t entertain because I don’t know how to cook. I don’t even have matching dishes. Maybe someday.
3. “I dress like a homeless person.”
Oh, this outfit looks cute! Hold on, why does this caption say “Casual Saturday”? She curls her hair, wears heels and carries a designer handbag on a Saturday? Why isn’t she in jeans that haven’t been washed in a week and her ripped college sweatshirt? God, I’m a bigger slob than I thought… I need to fix this. That handbag she has is $800? You know, forget it. I don’t need to dress that nice… I have a great personality.
4. “I’m going to redecorate my entire apartment.”
Yeah, I’m an adult now. It’s definitely time to spruce things up around here. Look, here’s an idea for how this girl redid her entire living room on a budget. But, why are there so many throw pillows? Like, where does she even sit? And, what’s with the lanterns on the floor? What if I accidentally kick one over? Won’t I burn my whole apartment down? Where’s her t.v.? Is she so busy redecorating that she never succumbs to Real Housewives marathons like I do? On second thought, I think my apartment is pretty quaint and cozy already. I’ll just light a candle.
5. “Pinterest is the worst.”
Seriously, who even has time to do half of this crap anyway? Do I really need an obsessively organized medicine cabinet and a ton of nail art ideas that I’m nowhere near talented enough to complete? C’mon, I’m better than this. That’s it, I’m done with Pinterest altogether. Oh, but that’s a cute hairstyle… I’ll just pin this, just in case.