Ah, Yom Kippur. That time of year where everyone comes together to ask Jewish people, “Wait, didn’t you JUST have a holiday?” To which I say…
I went back to synagogue for the first time in years. Here were some of my thoughts.
1. Which one is this again? So Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year where you try to set goals for yourself to be a better person. Yom Kippur is the one where you starve yourself and think about how shitty of a person you’ve been. Basically, everyone gets called in to sit on an uncomfortable bench all day judging people. It’s kind of like Jury Duty. Jewy duty, if you will.
2. Kind of rude the one day we’re not allowed to eat has the word YUM in it: So, fasting. This is how it always goes down. Me the night before: I’m totally going to keep the fast this year. Me when I wake up in the morning: I can’t do this. The best way to describe me when I’m hungry is, I just get really dumb and bitchy. Here’s how I justifying breaking my fast…at break fast. If I’m hungry, I’m not really a fun Jew to be around. So I think my lack of will power is actually beneficial to the community. Otherwise I spend the whole day like this:
3. Who am I going to run into from Hebrew school? Luckily I’m easy to recognize since I haven’t grown since my Bat Mitzvah. But I’m always flustered when I see someone who I recognize in their new fully developed human form. I can be pretty awkward. My game plan is to usually avoid until it’s physically impossible to exist in the same space without acknowledging each other’s presense. Then I pretend like I’m super psyched to overcompensate for the fact that I was clearly trying to just dodge this whole interaction to begin with. Oof. Life.
4. Everyone’s breath is DANK. Some people get really hardcore and not only refrain from eating or drinking anything, but also swear off breath mints, chewing gum, mouthwash, or anything else that prevents your breath from smelling like a fart died in your mouth. It makes it really fun to have conversations with people.
Forget about the day of atonement. Someone needs to get an atoneMINT.
5. What is she wearing? I was very thrown off by the amount of teenaged girls who arrived at Temple Beth David like they were about to get bottle service in the VIP lounge. Look, I get it. You didn’t have tits last Yom Kippur. And now you do. It’s exciting. But this is a religious ceremony. It’s not the place. You have a lovely derriere. But cover that shit up.
Seriously, don’t be the Yom KipWHORE.
That was my last one I promise…
6. The moment of silence…Any time I’m in an public setting where a moment of silence has to be observed, I freak out. The mature side of me is like “Katie, you’re an adult. You can do this.” And then the more fun part of my brain is like “Seriously, though, how funny would it be if someone farted RIGHT NOW?” I know that if I stare straight ahead and focus on the back of someone’s head, I’ll be okay. But then I look at my mom, and this happens.
7. Yamakas kind of look like coffee filters. Speaking of staring at the back of people’s heads…
8. Why don’t all religious ceremonies include gospel choirs?
Seriously, the V’ahavta is kind of catchy. Can you imagine how inspiring that shit would be with a gospel choir?
9. Do I have to sing? I always start like “Nah, I’m not going to sing.” And then the song starts coming back to me from my Bat Mitzvah years and I’m like “Ok, maybe I’ll hum along. What the hell.” 30 seconds in I’m in the Jewish version of Glee.
10. Why are there so many babies?
My rabbi started this thing where she likes to bring “new” members of the community on to the bimah. (The stage, for any non-Jews reading this). It’s kind of like a showcase.
11. What is with all the weird fish? Whenever you go to someones house to break the fast, there is an array of strange smelling fish. The only way I can possibly explain this is that people are so hungry that they will just willingly shove balls of fish into their mouth like it’s the best thing ever. And after that, how about an everything bagel with MORE FISH, and throw some raw onions on that. Now your breath smells like a fish farted, and then died in your mouth.
All joking aside, religion is important because it keeps families together. I don’t have a joke or a funny gif for that. Happy Yom Kippur y’all.