11 Fake Things You Tell Yourself After Graduating College

1. You’re totally okay with living at home.

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Of course you’d rather be living luxuriously in a 4 bedroom apartment within five minute walking distance of a trendy, independent coffee shop and Chipotle, but then there’s free rent, free food, and free heat.

2. You’re not going to be cheap anymore.

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Loans are now a real life thing, and you’re still going to buy that $3.75 bottle of wine.  Except now you’re probably going to hang your head in shame at the register instead of high-fiving your roommate as you pay in quarters.

3. You’re still totally in tune with the youth.

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You’re not sure why your 12 year old sister has 204 likes on her Instagram of a rock when you have 17 on your panorama of the ocean at the height of sunrise as the waves impeccably crash on the shore.  You’re not cool anymore…that’s why.

4. You’re going to pick up a productive, new hobby.

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You’ve reached an age where the critical period to pick up a foreign language has expired, you’re not a musical prodigy, and the smoke alarm starts going off the second you step foot in the kitchen.  Hobbies left include becoming a professional body lifter and posting your progress on Instagram or watching documentaries about food on Netflix.

5. You think you’re really experienced in something because you took one class in it.

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You spaced out after the professor said attendance wouldn’t be taken, and the only reason you passed the class was because your friend’s sister sent you an 8 page study guide that you tattooed on your leg the morning of the final.

6. You’re going to immerse yourself in the news

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This is the news…right?

7. Your first job is going to be your dream job.

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Certainly don’t settle for a part-time gig in a field that has no relevance to your future goals, but don’t keep telling yourself that your 5 day orientation leader training and 8 years Facebook experience has prepared you to manage a team of 37 veteran employees of an established marketing agency.

8.  You’re using everything you learned in college.

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As you begin the monotonous process of writing away your paychecks each month to loans, you soon come to grips with the fact that you’re not even using half of what you learned those past four years.  But you quickly rationalize this bitter realization by noting your ability to whip out random facts during bridal shower trivia and that your itching lifelong curiosity of what is really on the inside of a cow’s eye has been satisfied by freshman year biology.

9. Your next relationship is going to be totally different than your college relationship.

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You may have graduated college, but nothing and no one is really changing here.

10. Your social life isn’t going to change.

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Why can’t we all just inhabit an affordable cul-de-sac conveniently located in the center of Boston where we’ll grow old together and never leave and our kids will become best friends??

11.  You’re not going to have to deal with drama anymore.

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Unfortunately, entering adulthood does not mean you are rid of all childish conflict that seemingly gravitates towards a college campus.  May you welcome with open arms group projects on steroids and girl drama that affects your income and job stability.

 

Samantha Nicole

Sam works full time in digital marketing at a web design agency and when she's not inhaling coffee, she likes to kill time mindlessly looking at ridiculously expensive real-estate online and listening to indie pandora. She hates winter, is allergic to almost everything outside, and one time forgot her shoes on her way to an interview.

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