1. It’s fast food but not like fast-food, fast-food
So, you’re hungover or all sorts of hangry after work (or both) and you want to eat, like now. Look no further, Chipotle to the rescue. You know you can get a burrito the size of your dome in less than 10 minutes and that brings you immediate excitement, like tingle in your pants excitement.
Oh, and you can actually see the employees grilling chicken on the grill in the back so you feel a bit better about yourself. Like go me, I’m not eating Mcdonald’s mystery meat, I’m eating Chipotle chicken that is sometimes curiously chewy.
2. There’s guacamole
Ya, ya I know its extra, load it on there and don’t be stingy, I’m watching you. Guac makes everything better and its loaded with good fats so that makes it guilt-free, right? Ugh, I just love guac, guac for president.
3. They have chips… and guacamole
Okay, how good are the chips? I mean hello, they are perfectly salted and somewhat tangy with that magical hint of lime. Oh, and when you dip them in guacamole… mind blowing.
4. You can get a margarita
Betches love margaritas, especially Patron margs. If only you could take them to go.
5. The portions are out of control
All this for $8? Yes, please! I mean half of your burrito is mild salsa but hey, it’s delicious none the less. Can we just talk about how full you feel afterwards? Like beyond stuffed. Betches love to be stuffed.
6. The online ordering feature
Only losers wait in line for a burrito. I love strolling in Chipotle and cutting an entire line of 30 people to quickly pick up my burrito and be on my merry way. Sucks to be you.
7. The easily accessible Tabasco sauce
Now, let me preface by saying that I’ve never stolen a bottle of Tabasco but I’ve heard they are ripe for the picking.
8. The secret menu
Betches totally order from the secret menu. Move over in-and-out burger. Oh, I’ll have a quesarito please, extra cheese. And for those of you that live under a rock, a quesarito is a quesadilla that is opened up and filled with all your favorite burrito fillings.
9. You’re the chef
You can make a custom burrito anyway you want and betches love calling the shots. I said no SOUR CREAM!
10. When you are watching your figure, you can order a salad
Betches love/hate salads. But when you need to squeeze your ass into a bikini, Chiptole has your back. Just don’t get the salad dressing. That delicious concoction has more calories than an entire meal. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
11. You can go in your sweatpants
Chipotle never judges. Feel free to roll in with last night’s makeup on, dirty hair, and your favorite sweats.
12. The guacamole
Ya, I know it’s already been mentioned, but betches just love guacamole so much. When the guacamole is discounted it’s absolutely devastating, you can’t possibly have Chipotle without guacamole. And yes, WE KNOW IT’S EXTRA.
13. All your betches love Chipotle too
Qdoba, as if! Bolco, get out of here! Betches stick together and they obviously go to Chipotle. Oh you don’t really like it? This friendship is over. Girl, bye.