If I Still Believed in Santa, Here’s What I Would Ask For

santameme

The holidays are so much more magical when you’re a little kid. I don’t know about you, but I feel like that has a lot to do with the fact that you’re still naive enough to believe that a fat man in a red suit lands on your roof with his flying reindeer, slides down your chimney, leaves you a buttload of presents, chows down some cookies and then leaves. Not to mention he does this for EVERYBODY ELSE in ONE NIGHT.

I remember when I found out that Santa wasn’t real like it was yesterday. I don’t know why it was such a shock to me (I like to think I was a pretty practical, realistic kiddo), but it was. I flat out asked my mom one afternoon, “Mom, is Santa like even real?”. My mom, who had obviously been preparing for this moment for her ENTIRE LIFE whipped out this super crappy poem she had printed out that explained that Santa lives on in our hearts. By the way, mom, I still think that poem was total BOGUS and I’m holding a grudge. Anyway, at least my brother was pragmatic enough to ask if he still got as many presents if he didn’t believe in Santa.

What I wouldn’t give to still believe in Santa and float through the holidays with the everlasting optimism that this was the year I was going to get EVERYTHING I ever wanted. However, the list I would send to Santa at this age is much different than the one I would have sent in my youth (I would hope so, at least). Also, fair warning, my “grown up Christmas list” is nothing like the one that super catchy/sappy Christmas song is based on (“nooooo moooooore lives torn apaaaaart”). World peace is nice and all, but let’s be real. I want a boat.

Here are just a few of the things I would ask for if I still believed in jolly ol’ Santa Claus.

1. No more student loans.

I was a good girl. I did what my parents said and went and got myself a college education. Now I feel like I’ll still be paying for it from the grave. Throw me a bone here, Santa, and pay those puppies off for me. I promise I’ll use my education for good and change the world, or whatever.

2. My childhood metabolism.

I miss the days of being able to stuff my face with candy, Christmas cookies and turkey dinners without gaining an ounce. I want my childhood metabolism back, Santa. Let me enjoy all of the delicious treats of your favorite season without having to wear leggings all day, every day. I know you’re gorging yourself on cookies in billions of houses across the world, so I feel like you can sympathize with me here a little bit, Santa.

3. Sex and The City on Netflix.

This is an easy one for you, Santa dearest. What do I do when I need my Carrie Bradshaw fix and there are no reruns on t.v.?! I don’t even know if you’re aware, Santa, but Sex & The City ISN’T ON NETFLIX. It’s a travesty, really. Luckily, it’s something I feel like you can easily take care of. Make a call, jolly big guy. You’ve got this.

4. A personal assistant.

Now, I know you need to scoot around to billions of homes in one evening in a (assumedly very heavy) sleigh. But, I’m pretty damn busy too here, Santa. I have laundry to do, a house to clean, never ending e-mails to answer, groceries to buy, a driveway to shovel. Help a girl out and give me someone that’s willing to all of this for me. Also, if they wanted to do it for free, I’d be eternally grateful to you, buddy ol’ pal. I’ll leave you an extra cookie or two.

5. A million dollars.

I don’t know how much your elf salaries or reindeer upkeep set you back, but this whole budgeting and paying bills thing is really starting to be a drag. Some extra cash would really help to take the pressure off, Santa. I won’t be greedy. A million bucks should do it… at least until next Christmas.

What’s on your grown up Christmas list? We want to hear about it!

Kat Kuehl

Kat is a 2011 graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee, where she got a B.A. in Communication and a minor in Journalism, Advertising and Media Studies (which is really just tacked on there to make her feel much more accomplished than she actually is). She now lives in the booming metropolis of Appleton, WI. When she's not working as a freelance writer, you can probably find her eating (YUM TACOS), attempting to plan her kick butt wedding (aka a lot of complaining, crying, wedding-hating) and talking in a really high pitched voice to her dogs. Crazy dog ladies, represent. You can watch her pretend her life is super put together on her blog at www.lemonadelinings.com or can follow her really entertaining (or so she likes to think) tweets at @kat_kuehl.

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