It’s funny how in the moment, we think that what we’re doing is “cool” and will never go out of style. From the pin straight, flat, lifeless hair of the 2000’s to the crop tops of 2013/2014, every fashion trend eventually fades, or evolves. Same goes for social media. When we first encountered it, we had no idea what we were doing. What was socially acceptable and what wasn’t? We accepted our friends, and our friends want to know what we’re doing with our lives right?
So we started talking into the void and just letting every detail of our lives blast out for the world to see. Not that some people STILL don’t do this… At least most of these statuses go away and are never seen again for the rest of your life, right? Wrong. In theory, Timehop sounds like an amazing app. We can see old pictures and statuses that remind us of the great times we’ve had. Instead, this app really just shows you how embarrassing you used to be. So using myself as an example, let’s look at the way Timehop makes you want to crawl into a hole and delete all forms of social media.
1. Song Lyrics
There’s no better way to subtly express your undying love for your crush than to post emotionally fueled song lyrics at 3 am, because you’re not the one who wrote the words… and they don’t have any “personal” attachments that go along with them… they’re just lyrics that you admire… and now it’s just super embarrassing that you ever did this.
2. Posting Completely Irrelevant Pictures
Pretty sure no one gave a shit about what my horoscope was, but I put it out there for the world to see. In case they wanted to know that I was ready to socialize with friends. I probably just thought it was accurate since I was on my way to see people, but still… no one cares.
Three statuses in a single day that had nothing to do with anything. It’s basically like talking to yourself, or talking into the void. The more posts, the better, so everyone can be updated on every detail of your EVERY SINGLE DAY. How else would they go on living? Also, what is hair playing?
4. Terrible Quality Photos
Sick bro. Nice pathetically small snowball and Hershey’s chocolate bar. I love how these were back in the day when Instagram first started to become popular, the frames were still cool to use, and the general concept was “Instant-Gram”… so I guess I take pictures of what I’m doing right now in the moment and just… post them? I have to say, I enjoy the progression of the artistry that has to be involved in posting a lot more.
5. Texxxxttttttttttt. Visit Meeeeee.
Every status had to end in texxxttt mehhh or a call to action for the general public. Because someone might see this and think, “Hey! She said text so maybe… I should text her. Maybe I’ll even go visit her at the mall!” That’s how it works, right? Also… up? Hey world, it’s 1:22 pm and I’m awake. Just letting you know I’m up. In case you didn’t know days started that way.
6. Excessive Letters
Why was emphasis dependent upon the amount of letters you added to words/the amount of hearts you could put at the end of a sentence? Side note: So glad we upgraded to emojis. For this one, also see #3: Oversharing.
7. Irrelevant Statuses
This means absolutely nothing to no one. I don’t even remember what happened this day. But I had to mark it down for the world to see. Why. Just why.
8. “At The Gym”
What was the point of going to the gym if no one knew you were there? Why not casually slip it into a status to make sure EVERYONE KNEW you were healthy and fit and were AT THE GYM. Obviously.
Yep. It’s 7 am and I’m at work. Why am I there? To make money. Who cares that I’m upset about it? No one. I firmly believe no one should ever complain on social media, especially Facebook, ever again because 1. no one gives a shit and 2. you’re only trying to gain sympathy likes and comments. It’s basic attention seeking at it’s finest.
10. The “I’m Lonely” Status
ATTENTION EVERYONE. I’m lonely. SOMEONE HANG OUT WITH ME. No really, I’m still here, are you still here? Because I am and I’m alone and all of my usual friends are gone so who wants to step up and replace one of them?
11. The Boyfriend Brag
I had to go back on my Facebook to find this because I remember specifically breezing over it when it showed up on my Timehop. And yes, I did go through my Instagram and delete all of the old pictures I had, but that certainly didn’t stop Timehop from displaying the caption anyway, probably because it was synced to my Facebook. Thanks for the reminder of a failed relationship that I felt the need to brag about on social at the time. Glad that will haunt me forever.