Alternately titled, I wasted an entire afternoon researching this stupid book to finish this article with a nifty-50 title.
1. First and foremost, I didn’t waste my time reading those books.
2. Who the hell even is the guy playing Christian Grey? Maybe if it was like, Ryan Gosling, I’d go just for that
3. It opens Valentine’s Day? Really, could they be more cliché?
4. Maybe I’m just conservative, but there is something seriously wrong about a guy having kinky relations with his employee, who’s like 12, right?
5. Interoffice affairs shouldn’t be romanticized.
6. Neither should whips and chains.
7. Movies cost upwards of $13 where I’m from. If I didn’t pay for the books, I’m not paying that much for a movie.
8. Especially when I don’t have a date to pay for it.
9. Because I’m a feminist, and the idea of a powerful man physically dominating a subordinate woman makes me want to puke.
10. Aren’t we supposed to moving away from that stuff?
11. This story has no unique plot.
12. Yes, I’m also a book/literature snob.
13. “Laters” isn’t even a word. Microsoft Word agrees with me as I type this.
14. I already read Twilight. I know what happens.
15. Apparently there are “contracts” and “rules” if you decide to enter Grey’s lair. What the hell.
16. I’m pretty sure Ana has multiple personalities with all of this mention of her Inner Goddess and Subconscious. How do you make that make sense in a movie?!
17. Apparently it’s cool to call yourself a “stalker.”
18. I also want to know when the hot guys started thinking clumsy virgins were a hot commodity. Because I missed that memo.
19. Where’s the character development?
20. Does anyone else sense the pedophile undertones?
21. Can everyone say codependency?
22. The trailer for this movie is a joke.
23. The interview in particular. If anyone interviewed me and asked questions like that, you know what I’d say?
24. Take your job and SHOVE IT, CREEP.
25. No, I wouldn’t care how hot he was.
26. Or how rich he was.
27. SHALLOW PEOPLE.
28. Who asks the interviewer what their interests outside of work are? NO ONE.
29. This trailer ruined Beyonce’s masterpiece that is Crazy in Love
30. Who says things like “Oh, there’s not much to know about me. Look at me.”
31. Where is your resume, Ana? How about references? No?
32. “I don’t do romance.” Ya think?
33. I just still cannot believe EL James named him Christian. Is that supposed to be ironic? Because it’s bad irony.
34. “Why are you trying to change me?” Because, Ana, you’re letting him.
35. Now, I know that novel’s aren’t real. I literally studied them for six years. But the sex scenes are a bit much, no?
36. Is it even a “novel”? Is it erotica? Is it porn?
37. To it’s own credit, I suppose it gets its own category.
38. Every guy wants the Plain Jane. YEAH OKAY.
39. I truly weep for the younger generation who read this and think it’s reality in the grown-up world.
40. I’m beginning to think I’m just too cynical to “get” this book.
41. I spent an entire afternoon researching this book to come up with 50 reasons so this article could have a catchy title.
42. Because if I even go to the movies, I’ll be seeing The Judge featuring RDJ, who is actually a known and infinitely sexier actor.
43. The Judge also has plot and character development.
44. As do all the books I read and movies I see.
45. Except that one time I read Twilight. I was 18. Forgive me one sin.
46. I hate that the author was this successful writing fanfiction.
47. I also may have a bit of writer envy.
48. I was told Matt Bomer would be in this movie.
49. I have self-respect.
50. My Inner Goddess doesn’t want to.