10 Signs You Are Actually A House Cat


1. Lying in the sun is your favorite pastime. There’s just something about the sun that makes you lie down, stretch the f*ck out, and pretend no one else exists.

2. You love snacking. In fact, you would rather snack than eat meals. You have a severe snacking problem and you will stop at NOTHING until you get the food you deserve. You bring hangry to a whole other level. Bring you food or FEEL YOUR WRATH. Or, feel your wrath anyway… but there will be less wrath with food, so thanks.

3. You are constantly drinking water and often recruit people to bring you said water. Coworkers, significant others, siblings. Sometimes you just really want water, but you can’t get it because you’re too busy lounging. Someone must bring it to you, stat! MEOW I NEED WATER MEOW.

4. You enjoy being touched, but you also F*CKING HATE BEING TOUCHED. You’ve got a 3 second reflex and what happens after 3 seconds isn’t good. That means NO HUGS. Unless you initiate it — then the other party has about 10 seconds before you revert back to hate.

5. You know how to get what you want. You are the most manipulative person you know. You don’t even know how you do it, but it works every time.

6. You often look outside and think it would be really fun to go out there, but you’re really comfortable and don’t want to move. Going outside would involve moving. And nahhhhh, you’re all set.

7. Sometimes – maybe for 10 minutes every other day – you get A TON OF ENERGY and run around like a crazy person. But then you have to sleep it off for, like, two days straight. Exercise? No thanks.

8. When you get mad, you get maaaaad. People get scared. Sometimes a vibrant “rawr” comes out when people are asked to describe your personality. Hell yeah, you f*cking vicious minx.

9. Only certain people deserve your love. Everyone else can go f*ck themselves.

10. Just kidding. You actually hate everyone. So, like, no one deserves your love. But you have to be nice to AT LEAST one person so you can continue getting what you want when you want it. After all, isn’t that the point of #life?

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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