The Dirty Truth About Marriage: What I’ve Learned in The Last Five Years

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Before I ever even had my first boyfriend, I had all these…um…we’ll call them expectations about what marriage would be like.  I’d like to blame the cocktail of my overactive imagination, hopeless romanticisim, and tendency to binge watch romantic comedies for those expectations.

I envisioned romantic dates, fancy home cooked meals, a nice house in a fancy city.  And, well, I expected to be treated like the princess I never thought I was.

Well.  Now that I’m five years deep, I’d like to share with you a thing or two I’ve learned about marriage and what it’s actually like.  There is some romance.  And there have been a few times when I’ve been treated like a princess.  But more often than not, things are a little bit more…real than that.  So here you go.  This is what I’ve learned about marriage in the last five years.

  1. There must always be at least two toilets wherever you live.  Trust me, this is a non-negotiable.  Boys spend a really freaking long time on the toilet.  And that’s a no-enter zone for at least an hour after they’ve vacated.
  2. You’ll have some very random conversations.  Like about what to do with all the hypothetical boys that end up in your yard because of your milkshake.
  3. Apparently you can stretch a fart out.  This is something I never knew.  And it’s still something I don’t quite understand.  But apparently the act of stretching can cause a man to fart.  Who knew.  Now you know.
  4. It’s really freaking hard to surprise someone for Christmas when you share a bank account.  Internet shopping is pretty much out.
  5. If you can laugh together, you’ll be fine.  Life throws some heavy shit your way.  As long as you guys can find a way to laugh at life, you’ll do just fine.  Because I swear, sometimes all you can really do is laugh.
  6. Ear plugs are a good idea.  Husbands are noisy.  Snoring.  Shoot ’em up movies.  Videos games.  You’ll thank me for this later, I promise.
  7. You won’t always be right and he won’t always be wrong.  If you’re as stubborn as me, this might be a hard one for you to swallow, but it’s true.
  8. You have to ask the question you actually want the answer to.  Just ask what you mean to ask.  Along those same lines, say what you mean to say.  You aren’t wizards with special powers.  Average humans need actual words to communicate.
  9. It’s okay to go to bed angry.  Everyone will tell you it’s not.  But trust me, nothing productive comes out of fighting in pure exhaustion.  Take a beat, eat something, sleep, whatever.  You’ll argue more productively once you’ve had a good night’s sleep.  Or you’ll wake up to realize that what you were fighting over was really just something stupid.
  10. Don’t waste your money on a bunch of lingerie.  Wait!  Before you cock an attitude with me, hear me out.  Lingerie is great and all, but trust me when I say you will almost never wear it.  Spend your money instead on cute/sexy pajamas.  You’ll actually wear them.  And he’ll appreciate it.
  11. You have to make time for sex.  I’m sorry, but it’s true.  It’s easy to fall into life.  Jobs get busy.  Social calendars fill up.  I know when you first get married you think you’ll just be doing it all the time (and you probably will be at first), but as life picks up you have to make it a priority.
  12. Find a couple shows to watch together.  You’ll hate most of his shows.  And he’ll probably hate most of the trash that you watch.  But finding a few shows that you religiously watch together makes life a little more fun.  Or, if you’re like me and just threw out your back–it was convenient that we had an entire season of OITNB to binge together over the weekend.
  13. Create a few sacred traditions.  With marriage comes families.  And those families have holiday traditions.  And that means you’ll spend most of your holidays traveling and trying to balance the in laws.  But it’s really important to implement a few of your own traditions and to keep them sacred.  You’re a family unit, too.
  14. There are some things that will always just drive each other crazy.  It’s more important to me to have the bed made than it is to him.  It’s more important to him that the house be neat not clean.  He doesn’t make the bed.  I prefer a clean house.  We’re all making sacrifices, Audrey (name the movie)!
  15. You’ll end up with some really freaking weird inside jokes.  Spending your life with someone provides you with some…odd situations.  And if your partner is as funny as mine, you’ll end up with some really strange inside jokes that you carry with you through life.

Basically, marriage is fun but also really freaking weird.

Joey Hodges

Joey is a Queen City based Appalachian State graduate, writer, nanny and blogger. She's only been married for five years but is one of those rare breeds who has actually been with the same dude for nearly 13 years. And she might have a thing or two to say about it. When she's not writing for FTS, you can find her hanging out at hodgespodges.com, the blog she owns and contributes to daily. She also wrote a YA book called Yeah, Maybe (an ebook for kindle on Amazon) if you want a taste of her fiction writing. She claims she's writing another, but there's no proof yet. When she's not writing or chasing kids around she enjoys reading, running, playing with her dog, and eating all of the food.

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