Over the past five years I somehow managed to graduate from college, secure a full-time job, move out of my parent’s home, pay rent all by myself, buy a car, and get kicked off my family’s cell phone plan. There was a point where I thought none of those things would be attainable, ever, but alas they were so that’s good.
However, there are a number of other things I still can’t afford in life that make me wonder if I ever will be able to afford them. I want to think that because in 5 years I went from being able to afford none of the above to all of the above, I will be able to do even crazier things in another 5 years, but I’m not quite sure that will be the case.
Here are 14 things I fear I will never have the money for because life is expensive:
1. A House.
I can barely afford my rent and now you’re telling me some time in the near future I have to own something and to do that I have to put down well over 50 thousand dollars, if not more than that? BUT HOW?
2. A Wedding.
I guess maybe this is where a chunk of the money we were talking about above comes from, but uhh how do you get the money to throw the wedding to get the money to be functional adults? Life.
3. Furniture not from Ikea.
Seriously. I don’t want to have to figure out how to put this CRAP FURNITURE TOGETHER WITH NO DIRECTIONS EVER AGAIN. Sorry, but also not sorry.
4. A Child.
Or an abortion. Or Plan B. That shit is expensive. But back to the child – they will need clothes and shelter and decor for their room and a ROOM and one day college. I’m about to pass out.
5. Food for a child.
I spend a fortune on organic produce for myself and now you’re telling me I’m going to have to buy even MORE food when I have children? What is this?
6. Nanny for said child.
Let’s be real. Changing diapers? Bitch plz.
7. A phone without an upgrade.
I’m pretty sure I don’t even have the funds to get a phone WITH an upgrade right now, so what if I dropped it in the toilet or something and had to buy a new one? Insurance doesn’t cover that. OR what if I just wanted a new phone for the fuck of it? WHY IS EVERYTHING SO GOD DAMN EXPENSIVE?
8. Enough data so I can use Spotify whenever I am driving.
Verizon’s shitty data plan is literally ruining my life. I just want enough money to stop getting messages saying “hi you’re 2 days into the month and you have used 90% of your data.” Is that possible?
9. Freelance life.
Health insurance, hi. You are one evil bitch.
10. A cat.
Meow feed me meow. BUT I DON’T HAVE MONEY TO FEED YOU, so I guess I don’t have money to own you. Sigh.
11. A dog.
Same as above. Except dogs also want you to spend time with them. I barely have time to spend with myself. NAH THX IM GOOD. Maybe when I’m a housewife. Definitely when I’m a housewife.
12. More than 2 haircuts a year.
This one is real. Maintaining a fresh hairstyle is not cheap.
13. A Chanel bag.
HOW DO PEOPLE OWN THESE AND STILL MANAGE TO FUNCTION IN HIGH SOCIETY? WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR MONEY FROM? TELL ME YOUR WAYS.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to be working the rest of my life because life is expensive and, um, how could you not?