78 Thoughts While Watching The “American Horror Story: Hotel” Premiere

Freaks and weirdos rejoice: the new season of American Horror Story started last night and it was everything we hoped it would be. The upside? There was plenty of naked Matt Bomer to go around. The downside? Well, there isn’t really a downside. Obviously, Lady Gaga was the QUEEN and this season looks like it’s going to be totally disgusting, disturbing, and amazing. Miss last night’s episode? Want to relive it? Check out my random musings below.

  1. Can’t wait for Kathy Bates to come out and scare the SHIT out of me. Still scarred from Misery. #neverforget
  2. Hotel Cortez…like Pirates of the Caribbean Treasure of Cortez? Cool so where’s Johnny Depp?
  3. LOL how long until the cute foreign blonde girls die a terrible death?

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  1. I would never go into an elevator with Kathy Bates. Brb, shitting my pants. These foreign girls are never coming out of there alive.
  2. No wifi? WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?!
  3. Hey clueless blonde girl, that “weird smell” in your room is probs dead bodies.
  4. Oh look, a dead body hidden inside the mattress. Called that one.
  5. Correction, the body is alive. Obviously.
  6. This intro music is not nearly as scary as last season. #blessed
  7. So Room #64 is going to be a thing?
  8. Blonde #1 is going to wake up and find Blonde #2 dead or…?
  9. Oh, even better, little kids are sucking her blood. Is this AHS or Twilight?
  10. Wait now we’re at a different hotel? These people were boning but the girl is dead.
  11. Correction: girl dead, boy alive. And his peen is glued inside her. WTF.
  12. Hello, hot detective man.
  13. I think if I were a detective like that I would throw up all over the case files.
  14. This is definitely Jigsaw calling the detective. Are we watching Saw? Do you want to play a game?
  15. YAS Schmidt is here. Hey babe.
  16. Oops, she gave you #64 I guess this is goodbye. RIP.
  17. Oh hey, girl that used to have a twin head attached to your body. Nice 80s hair, loving the crimping.
  18. Here come the drugs. Schmidtyyy, you’re better than that.
  19. Drug hallucinations or real life? ~you’ll never know~
  20. OKAY butt stuff is happening. A lot of butt stuff is happening. Is that a drill penis? Am I allowed to say “drill penis”?
  21. How did they film this butt scene? I feel so bad for Max Greenfield right now.

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  1. Okay crimp girl, you’re just gonna watch? Wtf who even are you?
  2. “Tell me you love me”—IF ONLY it was that easy.
  3. Just realized that this detective is the game maker guy from The Hunger Games.
  4. Okay I’m getting impatient WHERE IS GAGA?

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  1. “Why are we not having sex right now?” That’s a good question, AHS. A really good question.
  2. A hot tub? Please be Matt Bomer naked please be Matt Bomer naked.

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  1. YASSS HI GAGA.

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  1. K this is a power couple if I’ve ever seen one. #goals
  2. Hey Gaga, let’s get high and then go watch a movie in the park. ~casual~
  3. Let’s have sex in the park, he says with his eyes. Nope, let’s have a foursome instead?
  4. The nipple pasties. I can’t.
  5. GAGA YOU ARE THE QUEEN.
  6. So this foursome…I really don’t know what to say. How did they film this? So many questions.
  7. Not gonna lie, sort of turned on and also wouldn’t be mad if I was a part of this.
  8. Oops, until now. So much blood. So Matt and Gaga are vampires too or…?
  9. WTF IS HAPPENING?!
  10. I don’t even care. That was hot AF and if you don’t think so then you’re lying to yourself.
  11. “Call housekeeping.” Okay, Gaga. I will do whatever you say.

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  1. I really cannot switch to watching a family converse after that sex scene. Please make it stop.
  2. Never mind, Kathy is back I TAKE IT BACK.
  3. Poor foreign girls. Kathy is an expert at holding people hostage, don’t fuck with her.
  4. I’m pretty sure that this nasty smoothie she’s making is the least of their worries right now.
  5. Crimped hair saves the day. No smoothie for you.
  6. “Run.” 10 bucks says Blonde #1 doesn’t make it to the door before Kathy stabs her.
  7. Nooo Gaga you’re gonna get blood on your nice white outfit.

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  1. Clean up on aisle…lobby?
  2. Cool, father-daughter sushi date, can I join?
  3. Also, is that detective daughter girl Renesmee from Twilight or nah? (nah)
  4. Hot detective is going inside the screeching house alone? If he dies already I am going to be very disappointed.
  5. Omg don’t leave the little girl alone you idiot.
  6. Hello Jigsaw, how are you? So nice to chat again.
  7. Oh shit, he’s gonna steal the daughter. DON’T GO IN THERE RENESMEE.
  8. Dismembered bodies, great. That girl is going to be messed up foreverrrrr.
  9. So the family is all together again? Oops, flashback jk.
  10. OMG someone stole their child. I’m gonna cry.
  11. Okay back to the hotel. A new owner? Shit is about to hit the fan.
  12. I am really enjoying how much naked Matt Bomer is in this show.
  13. Gaga is gonna eat this “new owner” dude and his son alive. Literally.

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  1. This place is special, she says. We’ll only be gone a moment, she says.
  2. SECRET ROOM totally called that one.
  3. Eww the creepy vampire kids are in there.
  4. OMG THE MISSING DETECTIVE KID.
  5. Matt Bomer is not happy about new-owner-man.
  6. LOL Kathy is Matt Bomer’s mom? She just stalks her son constantly, it’s fine.
  7. ~Flashback~
  8. Young Matt Bomer is just as fine as old Matt Bomer. Love him.
  9. Oh hunny, don’t do drugs with young crimp-hair.

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  1. “You’re gonna give me a fresh needle right?” Like, come on I know we’re doing drugs but have some decency.
  2. So Kathy shoved crimp-hair out the window like 10 years ago? Confused. Is she dead or alive?
  3. LOVE the Eagles song coming on right now. Hotel Californiaaaaaa.

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  1. “Your boy has a jawline for days.” AMEN.
  2. This detective is NOT checking into the Hotel Cortez. Are you stupid, dude?
  3. “You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leave.” Well said, Eagles. Well said.
  4. THE END.

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Hillary Bautch

Hillary Bautch is a Wisconsin girl living in Boston, where she can often be found double-fisting cups of coffee. She takes pleasure in making other people feel awkward and purposely does weird stuff so she can write about it later. Hillary enjoys eating pizza, watching other people fall down on ice skates, and complaining about how much she wants a dog. Follow her random musings and sarcastic rants at @hillarybautch.

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