13 Reasons Apple Picking Is Fucking Stupid

For some unknown reason, every fall 20-somethings flock to their nearest farm to go apple picking. BUT WHY? For the pictures? For the likes? For the pure fact of being able to say “I went apple picking?”

I went apple picking once as a 20-something and I didn’t get it. Maybe it’s because I didn’t go as a kid (and if I did go, I clearly don’t remember going, meaning it clearly wasn’t that exciting), and maybe it’s because once the temperature goes below 65 degrees, I prefer to be indoors. But either way, to me, apple picking is pretty fucking stupid. Here are 13 reasons why.

No Thanks

1. You can get apples at the grocery store.

2. Literally, people get paid to pick apples for you and then they are sold at the grocery store.

3. Apples are heavy. Why would you want to carry a bunch around? If you need that many apples, go to the store and put them in a grocery cart.

4. No one ever really needs that many apples. Oh great, now you have collected 40 random apples from random trees. What the fuck are you going to do with these apples now? Do you even have a game plan, because probably not.

5. Seriously, you leave apple picking with a thousand apples that are going to go bad real soon. And rotting apples are the WORST.

6. Because you have so many apples, you’re forced to eat them. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but six apples is, like, way too much sugar. Fruit is good, but too much fruit is bad. Do you even know what nutrition is?

7. You suddenly feel like you have to make a bunch of desserts that involve apples and then you gain weight because of it. Apple pie. Apple crisp. Apple bars. Just because bikini season is over doesn’t mean you should go buck wild in the kitchen. Sure you can hide yourself in an oversized sweater for the majority of fall and winter, but spring is going to come back around soon. Stay hungry. Stay thin.

8. There is literally not enough time to make tons of apple-themed foods and drinks before all of the apples go bad. What are you supposed to do? Call out of work, skip the gym, and cancel your plans to Netflix and chill with yourself to bake fall foods in your kitchen? No thanks. I don’t have enough hours in the day to live. The last thing I need to worry about is finding time to make foods that will lead to weight gain.

9. Instead of apple picking, you could be cleaning out your closet. It takes time to transition your closet from summer to fall. If I have a free day, I’m going to clean my fucking closet. Not go out in the fields picking apples in cold weather.

10. Or shopping. Seriously, if I’m going to pay for something, it’s going to be new fall clothes.

11. Or drinking. I will also pay for alcohol, of course.

12. Or exercising. Or doing anything really that isn’t apple picking. Apple picking isn’t going to lift my ass and give me abs, is it? No.

13. Even if I was to decide I wanted to go apple picking, the season is seriously not long enough to dabble in. Like sorry I had plans for the 4 weeks that is the transition from summer to fall and now all the apples are gone. What is this? A field for ants?

WHATEVER, I’M GETTING CHEESE FRIES.

Samantha Matt

Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still going. My first book, AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME, is coming out in January (you can buy it right now on Amazon or from your fave bookstore!). I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Writing is fun. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @20somethingproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.