Your least favorite time of the year has come. Halloween.
When you were a kid, you used to dress up in a store-bought or homemade costume and go around begging from candy from strangers because that was the normal thing to do. Then you used to go home and eat the candy and gain 5-10 pounds, which was a giant fail – no pun intended.
When you got older, you were confused about what to do for Halloween until you got to college when Halloween became an excuse to 1. expose your tits for the ladies, 2. show off your pecks for the dudes, and 3. hook up with MORE STRANGERS, but this time literal strangers because you couldn’t even tell if you knew said person or not.
Now that you’re an “adult,” or are somewhat a facade of an “adult,” you’re not really sure how the F you’re supposed to celebrate Halloween. You most likely don’t have kids, so you don’t have an excuse to go out collecting chocolate to soothe your PMS… and you’re not in college anymore so you’re not sure if you should be dressing like an immature slutty (woman OR man)-whore anymore. You are at an awkward period of life… one of the most awkward things about this period being Halloween.
Here are 14 reasons Halloween is actually the worst. Help.
1. You need to make plans way in advance if you want time to think of/get a costume. If you don’t have anywhere to go, you aren’t going to plan a costume for nothing.
2. No one wants to make plans in advance because they want to see if anything better comes along. Nothing better is going to come along. This is Halloween.
3. Bars hike up their cover charges.
4. You would prefer to go to a house party, but you don’t want to host one. You’d have a party if you lived in a house that was your own, but you don’t. You either live in an apartment or live with your parents. And if you live in an apartment, chances are it’s not big enough for a Hallo-rage.
5. If you want to socialize, you have to dress up. And by the time you decide this, you probably have 2-3 days left until go-time and zero time to go out and buy/create a costume.
6. You never know what to dress up as. Should you be a “slutty [insert literally anything here]” or should you be something funny or scary because you’re an adult and you shouldn’t be dressing like a slut anymore. Or should you be dressing like a slut because, well, you probably are one. And if you don’t want to be any of those things, should you think of something creative and unique that no one has ever done before? BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING – HELP.
7. You always get confused at how much you’re supposed to go out when Halloween becomes Hallo-weekend. Are you supposed to go out one of the weekend nights only? And if you go out both nights, do you need two different costumes? Can you not go out at all? Because you are le tired and Netflix is calling.
8. Costumes cost money. You have better things to spend your money on than some stupid costume that you will never wear ever again.
9. You never know if you should dress up for work or not. You don’t really want to, but will you look like a party pooper if you don’t, or will you look like a childish idiot if you do?
10. If you’re single, it’s hard to meet hookups on Halloween because you can’t tell what anyone actually looks like IRL.
11. You have to guess what people are all night, and you might look like an idiot if you don’t know. SORRY, I’M TRYNA GET DRUNK – NOT FIGURE OUT THE RIDDLE THAT IS THE RIDICULOUS OUTFIT YOU ARE WEARING RN.
12. No one ever knows what you are. “What are you dressed up as?” “YOUR MOM’S CHEST HAIR.”
13. Post-Halloween walks of shame. Have you ever had to walk home dressed as a crayon? I have.
14. Candy corn. In the words of the great Matt Bellassai, “candy corn is satan’s hardened earwax.” Damn right it is.
Happy Halloween. May you all get drunk, because alcohol is literally the only good thing about this holiday. Alcohol is actually the only good thing about any holiday. #PassTheWine