I really had no idea what I was in for upon walking into my first Zumba class. What a fun way to get in some cardio! I thought, foolishly. As a former color guard nerd, I figured I was coordinated enough to keep up with the instructor while still breaking a sweat. Plus, half the class had to be over the age of 50. This would be a breeze.
Halfway through the 5th song (probably something by Pitbull), I thought I was going to have a heart attack.
Zumba, the popular dance fitness class that exploded onto the gym scene in the early 2000s, is not for the faint of heart. It’s a pretty intense cardio workout that will have you doing salsa moves and squats all in the same song. Since the instructors – who somehow all seem to be former Lakers girls – don’t really stop and show you how to do each move, you’re expected to kind of figure it out for yourself. This, of course, leaves me looking like some kind of sad, injured bird. The fun music and lack of muscley bros make for a fun environment, though. Despite how much my body hurts the day after a class, I always end up coming back for more.
Here are just a couple of thoughts that cross my mind between shimmies in Zumba class. Fellow Zumba fans, can you relate?
1. Oh sweet, there’s more than 4 people here this time.
2. Let’s find a good spot in the back where no one can see me struggle.
3. That’s okay, Tall Lady Directly In Front Of Me, I don’t need to see myself in the mirror.
4. Aaaand we’re starting with Pitbull and J.Lo. A winning combination.
5. Side-steps. I can keep up with this.
6. This instructor gets me.
7. This won’t be hard at all.
8. Salsa time already?
9. Is it “one and two and” or “one two three and…”?
10. Screw it.
11. We’ve only been through 2 songs. Why is there a small waterfall forming on my forehead?
12. Yeah, I definitely can’t squat that far down.
13. What am I doing right now? Artistic jumping jacks?
14. Good thing I wore 2 sports bras.
15. How does the instructor look like she’s in a Jay-Z video when I look like a flailing monkey?
16. Wait, I think she was in a Jay-Z video.
17. She was definitely on the boat in “Big Pimpin’”.
18. Good for her. Get that video money.
19. I could definitely do that with my torso if the instructor took TWO SECONDS to break it down.
20. Any time our heart rates are below 150 is wasted, I guess.
21. This artist I’ve never heard of before really isn’t fond of women, is he?
22. Someone has to keep the misogynistic dream alive.
23. My butt actually doesn’t look too bad today.
24. I actually might be getting the hang of this.
25. Nope, my feet definitely can’t do that.
26. Definitely going too fast.
27. Definitely can’t breathe.
28. Is this what a heart attack feels like?
29. If I die here, will the great Zumba overlords pay for my funeral?
30. Oh good, it’s over.
31. Well, this song at least.
32. No one will notice if I just go sneak a sip of water, right?
33. My water bottle is much further away than I thought.
34. And everyone’s staring at me. Cool.
35. How is that corner of 80-year-olds keeping up with this?
36. I hope I’m still working out when I’m that age.
37. I am straight-up inspired right now.
38. Yaaaas kween, time for some Beyonce.
39. Bey would not be proud of this twerking.
40. LOL, “twerking.”
41. “Yonce all on his mouth like liquor.”
42. No one can hear me singing along, right?
43. Let’s be real here, I can’t even hear myself think.
44. She’s seriously not making us do push-ups right now, is she?
45. I refuse. I am boycotting these push-ups.
46. Aaaand, I’m on the ground.
47. Don’t look at the clock, it’ll just make you sad. DON’T LOOK AT THE CLOCK.
48. Huh, only 5 minutes left. That flew by.
49. And we’re stretching. This is all going to hurt tomorrow.
50. Buuuut, I’ll probably be back next week.