First of all, what even is the Met Gala? I honestly have no idea. Like these celebrities dress up like it’s a mix of Halloween and an adult version of the VMAs, and then what? WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? What happens not on the red carpet? DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY KNOW?
I could find out the answer to my question above by googling it, but I’m not going to waste my time doing that because the only thing I care about is the ~fashion~. Let’s dive right in, shall we?
From the pictures all over the internet, it seems like everyone goes all out every year for the Met Gala, but if you go through galleries of 100+ pictures like, you will see that is not true. While some celebrities wear normal ball gowns (as normal as a ball gown can be), other celebrities wear un-normal things, but look normal in them (for example: Madonna. And Evan Rachel Wood. For some reason she just looked right in her gold feathered number).
This year, most people looked like they walked right out of the ’90s, like Diddy in his white suite. And ma gurl Kylie in her tiny glasses. Was fashion in the ’90s actually Catholicism (the theme of this year’s Met Gala)? And if so, was this due to Cruel Intentions? Is this why Britney made herself known in a uniform worthy of a Catholic high school?
There were a few outfits that I deem worthy of discussion, so let’s please talk about them.
1. Selena Gomez
We need to talk about Selena Gomez at the Met Gala. Her lewk (that can only be described as a LEWK) transported me right back to 2004. The fake tan, the unflattering ruffles, the messy hair, the beading, the silver cross necklace, the boobs on full display. Like is this dress haute Abercrombie and Fitch couture from 14 years ago? Because I think it might be. Or maybe they just made a shirt I bought in 2007 from Nordstrom’s junior department longer. It’s like Selena is wearing a ball gown version of all the awful shit I used to wear back in the day—with an orange tan to match (or maybe she’s oiled up for a body building competition, idk).
Solange is not wearing the dress (?). The dress (?) is wearing her. This look gives me Missy Elliot “The Rain” vibes. It looks like a mix of a trash bag with the monster from Stranger Things with an inflatable pool float—all in the shape of ovaries with LEGS. It looks like she is riding someone, maybe Beyonce? WHO U RIDIN GIRL?
3. The Olsen Twins
Hey everyone, check it out. It’s the 31-year-old OLsen twins looking like two 65-year-olds who have had a lot of plastic surgery. I feel like this is where these ladies belong. Like, look at them rocking these frocks. THEY BELONG HERE. These frocks are them, and they are these frocks.
4. Gigi Hadid
Gigi looks she is in an extremely intense dance costume. And if it’s not a dance costume, it must be a costume for someone on broadway who is acting as a superhero that is also sexy and also a reptile. I would maybe see this play because I am very intrigued. Gigi is super hot, bye.
5. Shailene Woodley
She looks like Katinka from Zoolander. That is all.
6. Blake Lively
Why is it that when people go to the Met Gala, they end up wearing things that look like curtains from the ’90s? Is this what designers use as fabric for Met Gala outfits? I actually dig Blake’s look, but I’m not sure if that’s because I also dig her. It looks cool until I put my hand over the top half of her body. Then I get confused. The skirt slit is covered by sheer fabric that looks like tights. And I’m not even sure if this is a slit because it goes up pretty high. If I tried to wear something like this, everyone would get a peak at my vagina. I bet the velvet bottom is fun to pet tho. I would 100% be doing that all night.
7. Darren Criss
He’s fabulous, but he’s also probably evil. Look at that hair. IT IS FULL OF SECRETS I TELL YOU. And I want to know all of them. Be my friend Darren, y/n?
8. Cardi B
Kids at home, take note: this is what you can wear too if you stop dancing and start making money move and get pregnant. Okurrrrrr? Okur. Cardi is wearing a dress with my beds duvet cover as the skirt and a hat inspired by a peacock who is also a queen.
9. Cara Delevingne
I feel like this is not fashion, it is just straight up Halloween. No?
10. Lana Del Ray and Jared Leto
This is really just getting unfair. I WANT TO GO TO CELEBRITY HALLOWEEN TOO. Why do I only get to celebrate regular people Halloween??? Celebrity Halloween seems way better. Also, are they dating?
11. Jaden Smith
This blurb has nothing to do with his fashion, just that picture he’s carrying around of himself. Why is he walking around with something that says his name like it’s a fucking name tag? He looks like one of those people who chase you down the street with their mix tape. I will say that Jaden serves up a mean blue steel tho.
12. Jennifer Lopez
J-Lo is one of those people who looks completely normal and like herself dressing up in this theme. But I’m including her on this list anyway because I was/am here for it.
Okay so SJP wears a giant thing on her head and she looks ridiculous, but it’s the Met Gala so it’s okay—and then Rihanna also wears a giant thing on her head, but she looks like a goddess and totally owns it. Honestly, Rihanna was put on Earth to wear this. Right? Right.