I am probably the most paranoid person you will ever meet. It’s definitely a problem, but I know it and accept it, so ‘tevs. Here are 28 signs you are paranoid… as f*ck… like me.


1. You never know whether or not your alarm will go off in the morning. Even if it’s set, it might not go off. What if your phone shuts off in the middle of the night? What if your phone stops charging and dies? What if you shut off the alarm in your sleep and wake up when you’re supposed to be at work? Ugh, the horror.

2. Whenever people go into a room and shut the door in your vicinity, you assume that they are obviously talking about you. What did you do wrong now? Why does everyone hate you? You should just look forward and not say anything for the remainder of… the week… or something.

3. When pooping in a public place, you fear someone will walk in. You must remain solo in bathroom for this activity — NO INTRUDERS PLZ.

4. If no one responds to your text(s) or email(s), you assume everyone hates you. And not just the person or people you were contacting — everyone. Everyone hates you.

5. You’re always afraid you left the oven on. Especially if you’ve left your home and can’t check it. This forces you to go into a state of panic until you are home again and can check it. The panic attack lasts all day. ALL. DAY.

6. When in a bikini, you think everyone on the beach is laughing at you because you obviously look like shit. In reality: no one is looking at you. No one cares. And if they do, f*ck them.

7. When your throat hurts, you most definitely have strep throat — or have perhaps contracted Ebola. Duh.

8. If no one likes your Instagram, you assume that you SUCK. Like, not only does your Instagram suck, but you suck as well. QUIT. LIFE. NOW.

9. Same goes for Facebook updates. No likes online mean NO LIKES IRL.

10. Everyone is always staring at you. STOP LOOKING AT ME SWANS.

11. You always think you have your period. You don’t.

12. You also always think you have a period stain. You don’t even have your period. Calm down.

13. You fear that everyone thinks you run funny when running on a treadmill or outside. WHAT DO YOU EVEN LOOK LIKE RIGHT NOW?!

14. If you haven’t worked out in a few days, you automatically assume you look like you gained 40 pounds and hate life until you workout again. In the meantime, you drown your sorrows in pizza, lengthening the de-bloating process.

15. You think know that if you say no to prospective plans, no one will invite you out… ever. again. Once a hermit, always a hermit. MUST NOT BE A HERMIT.

16. Boyfriend changes password on his computer? He’s cheating, duh.

17. When your mom yells at you, you assume she’s going to hate you forever and therefore do whatever she says. She tricked you, she always does. But she was probably right about whatever it was you did, so it’s fine.

18. You have this constant fear that your straightener and/or curling iron is still plugged in, even if you didn’t touch it today. 

19. You always think you never have enough food for dinner and/or drinks for a party, so you overspend and end up with way too much extra stuff. What are you supposed to do with three bags of tostitos, a Costco-sized jar of salsa, and a handle of vodka? Throw another party? Gain weight? Okay.

20. According to your lack of memory, your door is never locked. But wait – it’s actually always locked because you put the chain lock on the minute you step foot in your apartment. You just for some reason always assume it’s not locked and get up 3-4 times to check it at night before actually falling asleep.

21. You’re constantly afraid you’re going to fart — and it’s going to be loud — or smell. Must hold in all gas all the time.

22. You always think you have food in your teeth. But, like, you haven’t eaten all day. Oh well — better look in the mirror anyway.

23. If your nails aren’t painted or are chipped, you think everyone is going to judge you. You should probably just stay inside until you can afford a mani/pedi, right?

24. You never know if your mascara is smudged. And whether or not you look like an idiot because of it.

25. That guy who looks sketchy standing next to you on the subway platform? He’s obviously plotting your death right now. This is a high level of paranoia that I, the writer of this article, have. Everyone is sketchy. Everyone is out to get me. Must run away. Far away. Now.

26. If you’re currently single, you assume that you’re going to end up alone. Because you probably are. No one likes a paranoid pessimist. The glass is half full, the glass is half full, the glass is half full, the glass is half full… Keep telling yourself that and maybe you’ll be okay.

27. Whenever it’s raining, you suddenly remember that you left all your windows open. Omg. But you didn’t.

28. If people don’t view, share, and like stuff you write, you assume that you are obviously the worst writer in the entire world and you should just STOP. NOW. But seriously.

What are things you’re paranoid about? Leave them in the comments!


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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