It seems that after you get married, weddings change a little. Before I was married, I was an emotional mess at weddings. Giddy, excited, and even a little tearful. Now, they seem more like a breeding ground for comparison, inappropriate questions, and partying too hard for your age.
So without further adieu, 30 thoughts a married woman has while attending a wedding:
1. Here we go again.
2. ::checks watch:: let’s get this thing started. I’m just here for the party.
4. It’s totally not necessary to switch songs for every single entrance.
5. Those bridesmaid dresses look expensive.
6. I should have had a videographer.
7. I like her dress so much better than mine it’s not fair.
8. What on earth was their budget. Clearly we should have waited to get married until we had real jobs.
9. Oh how sweet, I wish I would have thought to walk down the aisle to a guitar version of our love song.
10. Hell, I wish I could have afforded an orchestra for our entrances.
11. I wonder where they’re going on their honeymoon. Probably somewhere expensive.
12. I wish we could go on another honeymoon. Hell, I wish we could go on a vacation that wasn’t to a wedding.
13. I am so glad my ceremony wasn’t this long.
14. Annnnnnd here come the vows…been there done that.
15. ::grabs husband’s hand and squeezes. Exchange meaningful glance to double check our vows still matter::
16. Oh snap! They wrote their own vows. They’re fancy!
17. Does that mean they love each other more than we do?
18. I should see if they’re around next Sunday for our married couples dinner.
19. It’s too freaking hot for an outdoor cocktail hour.
20. ::beams proudly as husband delivers wine:: Yup, I got a good one.
21. Oh good, I’m so glad they didn’t just stand and sway for their first dance.
22. Jesus, her ring is huge.
23. Thank God I don’t have to participate in the bouquet toss. No you’re nexts for me.
24. So when are you having a baby? Oh shit. Maybe the bouquet toss wouldn’t have been that bad.
25. ::some random grandparent comes over:: by the time I was married five years I had four children. get me out of here get me out of here get me out of here.
26. This is a whooooooole lot of pressure on my uterus.
27. Where’s the bar.
28. Thank you, Linus.
29. Man, dancing is fun!
30. I think maybe I’ve had too much to drink.
The sad thing is, once the weddings stop…then everyone starts having babies. On purpose. The madness never ends!