Guillermo del Toro’s much anticipated gothic romance period flick Crimson Peak hit theaters October 16th. Set in late 19th century Buffalo, New York—then, Allerdale Hall—an expansive and dilapidated mansion located in blustery Victorian England is where the film takes place. Having taken a Gothic Literature course in college, I was so excited to see one of my favorite directors tackle the genre on the silver screen.
Mia Masikowska portrays Edith Cushing, a bright, progressive, and wealthy industrialist’s daughter who aspires to be a writer meets and falls in love with Sir Thomas Sharpe (Tom Hiddleston), an aristocrat fixated on securing funding for his clay mining invention. Eventually, they marry and move to the Sharpe’s childhood home Allerdale Hall, which is located on top of the red clay mine, with Thomas’ sister, Lady Lucille (Jessica Chastain), against the advisement of Edith’s longtime friend Dr. Alan McMichael (Charlie Hunnam). It doesn’t take long for the secrets of Allerdale Hall to start leaking.
Overcome with excitement, a love for the genre, and so much Victorian eye candy (from attractive actors to a gorgeous house to stunning costuming) my brain just would not shut off.
1. How is it that these women can jog across three inches of squishy mud without falling or getting a speck of dirt on them, yet I can’t even walk on clean pavement in the rain without somehow managing to fleck dirt up the entire length of my leggings?
2. I have never seen a more pro-pale skin movie in my entire life. Edward Scissorhands eat your heart out.
3. So, so much billowing fabric. Sooooo relaxing. Could I actually be hypnotized? When was the last time I blinked?
4. Is it just me or is there a Flowers in the Attic vibe going on here?
5. Alan McMichael: Jax Teller meets Jane Austen in the Castle Frankenstein…okay, I can dig this.
6. Edith: “I’d rather be Mary Shelley than Jane Austen.”—Yeah, me too.
7. Whenever Charlie Hunnam whispers, all I hear is Jax Teller plotting his next move. Just keep repeating: This is not Jax Teller…this is not Jax Teller…until it finally sinks in.
8. Loki looks pretty hot when doing his best Mr. Darcy impression.
9. Wait, all I have to do to marry a moody Tom Hiddleston is to not let a candle flame go out? Challenge accepted. Challenge definitely accepted.
10. Allerdale Hall is a bonkers-gorgeous house to live in.
11. Wait, no it kind of isn’t. I just got catfished by a house.
12. That Monet line from Clueless keeps looping. “It’s like the painting, see? From far away, it’s okay, but up close, it’s a big old mess.”
13. I should have eaten beforehand—too quiet to bust open my bag of Sour Patch Kids now.
14. Blah…blah…blah…mining…blah…blah…blah…machine parts…blah…blah…blah…tea.
15. Wait, let me get this straight. The Sharpes own this big house and live on top of a mine, but they never thought to put a little money aside to fix that gaping hole in the roof? They expected people to go into business with them when they couldn’t even project manage some minor household upkeep?
16. Who starts a digging project just before winter…in England?
17. Maybe you should move out of this house before you start mining directly underneath it?
18. Damn, the English like their tea. This movie is like a long-form Twinnings commercial for girls with “create a real-life Austenland” on their bucket list.
19. Edith, when a guy gives you his dead mother’s ring, it’s only a grand romantic gesture if he doesn’t hate her.
20. Honestly, people, hide your dead bodies better. You literally have ghosts shaped like skeletons falling out of your closets.
21. Seriously? No one thought that they should maybe bring this girl to any place other than the house were gossipy ghosts privy to their secrets run rampant?
22. Note to self: locked grates will not contain ghosts with unfinished business.
23. If the ghosts didn’t spend so much time following people around maybe they’d have the energy to speak in full sentences and reveal actual information.
24. Again, with the goddamn tea!
25. If I wanted to hear tiny dogs barking at nothing, I would’ve gone to stay at my parents’ house this weekend.
26. Edith, you are one low-maintenance lady. I would’ve clutched my purse and gone running as soon as I entered that house and saw that gaping roof and busted staircase. Wait, did you say this place is sinking? And I live here now? Um, yeah, no thanks.
27. Why so many keys? Isn’t one skeleton key supposed to be enough? Seriously, Jessica Chastain looks like a janitor, albeit the prettiest one I’ve ever seen.
28. “It’s a gramophone.”—A what? Oh, like an old timey Talkboy like in Home Alone.
29. Please let Tim Burton see this movie. This is how you do brooding goths without making them feel cartoonish (i.e., nix the curly trees).
30. So much snow…feeling so cold…I could really use a cup of tea right now. Damn it! They got me.
31. Girls kick so much ass.
Seriously, though, this was a visually stunning movie dripping with so much symbolism and so many gorgeous details. The characters felt real and made even old tropes feel fresh and exciting. The only thing that could’ve made this move even better would be seeing Tom Hiddleston’s full butt.
