I have tried pretty much every workout fad there is. I go running and feel like there are tiny men dragging me down the entire way. I’ve done Body Attack in a room full of Lycra- clad women hopped up on caffeine and endorphins waving their arms in the air and shouting enthusiastically. I’ve lifted weights while fighting away visions of the bar falling and crushing my skull. I have a love/hate relationship with most forms of exercise—meaning I love how it makes my upper arms look, but I count every second of every minute that passes and think of all the more enjoyable things I could be doing. Like napping, or eating, or basically anything that doesn’t make my limbs feel like they’re about to give up and fall off.
There is no form of exercise that evokes a love/hate relationship more than hot yoga. Traditional Bikram, hot vinyasa flow, hatha in a heated room—they are all 60-90 minutes of heated hell. I dread every class, but know it will make me feel like Beyonce—that is, if Beyonce ever spends her time questioning every life decision that led her to be twisting and bending her body in a room that loosely resembles the fiery pits of hell.
These are just a few of the many thoughts that run through my mind while I force myself not to just spend the entire class napping on my mat. I’ll lose weight just by sweating, right?
1. It’s hair-washing day, I guess I may as well get it really sweaty first.
2. Warm up? Really? Do we need this? I’m literally standing in front of a giant heater.
3. Just ignore the heat and think of your abs…
4. Pretend I’m sitting on a chair? Okay, like a bar-stool? No? Lower?
5. Why do they call this fierce pose? I feel more like SpongeBob Squarepants than Sasha Fierce.
6. Is that my sweat on the mat or someone’s from the class before me?
7. It must be someone else’s. I’m not sweating that much yet.
8. Is this mat from the dirty section or the new ones? Am I putting my face on a yoga mat covered in someone else’s sweat?!
9. That’s disgusting. I have no zen right now.
10. Can I reach my towel and wipe it away while in a downward dog?
11. Evidently not—sorry, neighbor.
12. Oh my god, I zoned out, I’m still in forward fold and they’re all in warrior one.
13. Should I tell that girl that her leggings are transparent? I’d want someone to tell me.
14. Or maybe she knows and doesn’t care? But I probably wouldn’t wear those underwear if I knew my tights were see-through.
15. Are my tights transparent too? Oh my god these are old, I bet everybody can see everything.
16. Can I straighten my leg while holding it out in front? Sure teacher, you’re doing it, it looks easy.
17. Just kidding, absolutely definitely not. My legs are way longer than my arms. That’s just completely illogical.
18. These teachers all have incredible bodies. I wonder how long I have to do this before I look like that.
19. But I bet she’s a vegan too. I can’t give up cheese.
20. Am I the only person in here about to die? Everyone else looks so calm and collected.
21. Except that guy, he has a Niagara Falls of sweat pouring from his forehead.
22. Balances! Great, I can do a perfect half moon balance on my right.
23. But not my left, apparently. I wonder if anyone will notice if I actually keep both feet on the floor.
24. What time is it? I wonder if I can read that girls watch without her noticing.
25. Well, she probably thinks I was checking her out…. but only twenty minutes to go!
26. That’s only five minutes, four times.
27. And there’s sweat dripping into my eyes.
28. It burns and I can’t see. Let me just subtly wipe it away.
29. Okay, now my hands are covered in my face sweat and I’m slipping everywhere.
30. This is fine, I got this, I did a full wheel last week.
31. BUT NOT WITH HANDS THIS SWEATY. I’m about to fall on my head and break my neck.
32. I wonder if they’ve had to call an ambulance to this studio before? All the poor medics will have to touch me while I’m covered in sweat.
33. Why do they cram so many of us in here? This is a health and safety issue.
34. The teacher doesn’t smell great. Being in here so often must kind of leave a permanent stale sweat smell on you.
35. OH MY GOD is that how I smell all the time?!
36. Inversions! We must be near the end.
37. Wait, no, what, stop, I don’t want to do any more planks.
38. Final relaxation, thank GOD, I’ve been waiting for you.
39. Lying in a pool of my own sweat, my favorite part of class. Hygienic.
