Ah, the New Year is upon us. A time when we all delude ourselves into believing that we will become better people and that this year is our year. In reality, we drink too much on New Year’s Eve to dull the awkwardness of kissing a stranger and wake up on New Year’s Day with a pounding hangover, a foggy recollection of what may or may not have happened the night before, and possibly even the aforementioned stranger in our bed.
In an effort to cut the bullshit and set some realistic expectations for 2016, I’ve outlined 5 lies that we all tell ourselves during the New Year below. You’ll thank me later.
1. I’m going to the bar solo and I don’t care about having someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve. Maybe you don’t right now, but once you’re a few champagne flutes deep, the bar that you paid too much to get into essentially becomes a real life version of the Hunger Games. Somehow, every girl but you seems to have brought a date and you begin imagining your future with a multitude of cats. You side-eye a few dudes at the bar and hear Elizabeth Banks in your ear whispering, “May the odds be ever in you favor.”
2. I’m going to lose (5, 10, 20, etc.) pounds this year and I’m going to start it off by doing a juice cleanse. No, you’re not. Let me give you a preview of how this is actually going to go down. You’re going to wake up with a mouth drier than the Sahara desert and will leave your apartment in sweatpants in search of Pedialyte and pizza at 11 a.m. Let’s allow this dream to die in peace.
3. I’m going to create a budget and stick to it. I don’t necessarily want to say that this isn’t going to happen, but if you found yourself nodding at either of the lies above, I think it’s safe to say that you may still have a way to go before accomplishing this dream. You probably spent too much money getting into a bar, too much money get -turnt- with your squad, and now you’re going to spend too much money on brunch because YOLO (and you’re hungover.) Not off to a great start.
4. I’m going to clean out my closet and become a minimalist. While I understand that it might be nice to imagine your closet refreshed, rejuvenated, and somehow only containing exactly what you need, I have a feeling that this isn’t going to happen. This is one of those projects that you start, forget when you start watching all the seasons of Friends on Netflix for the seventh time in a row, and remember in October when you’re looking for something that can be used as a Halloween costume and wonder why you’re still holding on to a pair of jeans that haven’t fit you since you were seventeen.
5. I’m going to drink less. LOL, good one. This may actually be the easiest lie to initiate if you wake up on January 1 feeling like shit and promising to “never drink again.” But one day the office bitch is going to rub you the wrong way and a nice bottle of red is going to have you singing a different tune.
Resolutions are all fine and dandy, but I think it’s time that we be a bit more realistic with what we’re able to accomplish in the upcoming year. After all, wearing jeans once instead of leggings all day erryday is considered a win, right?
