So you’ve graduated, you’re now long distance from the 4-8 self-proclaimed family members that you spent 24 hours a day with for the past four years. The only thing that can help you fight the depression, the only tie that will help you survive this temporary yet painful departure from your lifelines, is a group chat.
1. Really hideous, unfortunate, and cringe inducing selfies. Sure, you can Snapchat your friends all day long, but if you want your friends to experience the wrath of your “just-woke-up-terrible-angle-double-chinned” selfie, you’ll man-up and post it in the group chat. It’s assumed that although these images are put in the group, it by no means that they are any more useable than a “supposedly temporary” Snapchat. These images are still off limits, and should remain for the eyes of those worthy enough of the group.
2. A play-by-play of that guy your friend is still getting over. Suggestive tweet? Picture with a girl? New Facebook friend? Screenshot. Screenshot. Screenshot. We’re all too familiar with that friend that will never quite escape the tumultuous relationship of one of that one guy from college who treated her like…well, shit. You don’t judge her for stalking, but the group is collectively exhausted of reaping the same advice over and over again, so the screenshot gets a quick “ugh he sucks” and the conversation proceeds on with much more valuable conversation regarding peplums and how expensive nice alcohol is.
3. Missing College. When the first autumn hits after college, each day becomes a ceremonious funeral for each bar that you would have been going to that night. The group is peppered with at least one daily comment saying something like, “Guys, it’s 7:45 on Tuesday. Right now we would be sucking down $2 vodka sodas at Strangebrew and inhaling the free popcorn while all sitting on our phones because the live band is too loud to talk. Ughhhhh…” You reminisce temporarily, near tears, thinking of the sloppy mess you were just a few short months ago, as you now sit in your bed watching Netflix and eating popcorn you had to pay for with the change you found at the bottom of your purse.
4. People who do it wrong. This can range from someone posting a blurry Instagram of a leaf on their windshield with no filter titling it, “Fall is finally here!” to a wildly passive aggressive tweet from a couple you thought were going to get married right out of college that now might be breaking up because he liked another girls profile picture, or the worst of them all, someone confusing your and you’re. You know how you feel about these classic wrongs, but you need to know you’re not alone. You screenshot the evidence with the following caption ranging from Wut or Ummm guys to This is hurting my eyes and I need to take a 5 minute break from social media.
5. Really dumb questions. Now that you’ve graduated college, you’re supposed to be like, professional. You know that moment when you’re about to ask someone something at work or someone you just met, but don’t want to seem like an absolute airhead or completely shallow? Revert to the group. It’s the judgment-free zone. Like Planet Fitness. Questions tend to range from:
a. Is Tinder safe?
b. Can I wear the same shirt I wore last weekend even though there’s a picture of me in it on Facebook?
c. Should I Instagram this?
d. What do I even say to this? (screenshot of convo with male)
And there you have it, a window into the somewhat meaningless conversations necessary for survival after college. Having a group chat is more than just conversing with your friends here and there to get their input. It’s lessening the shock that you aren’t going back to your apartment after work with your four best friends to vent about your day, talk about your future, cry about that stupid guy, or most importantly, convince you not to go to the gym because your office is on the second floor.