1. “Ugh, I just had lunch. Running right after you eat is the worst. It’s like jogging with luggage in your tummy.”
2. “Mmmm haven’t had lunch yet. Better fuel up.”
3. “The more I think on it there really is no appropriate window to jog today. I’m either going to eat in an hour, or I ate an hour ago.”


4. “Dehydration, man…Headaches, dizziness, confusion, dry mouth…It can’t be natural to put the body through that kind of abuse. Jogging is sadistic!”
5. “Huh, can’t find my running shoes anywhere… Gosh dang it. Might as well not even bother checking the closet. Those suckers are GONE!”
6. “Sunburned. The less I move the better I feel.”


7. “I feel a flu coming on, or a cold, maybe a sprained ankle… Better rest up now while I can.”
8. “But I already showered…”
9. “Yeah, I could run, but don’t really feel like showering later.”
10. “I really should call my mom… that’ll take hours.”
11. “There is a real chance I might have thrown my back while dancing last night. I really shouldn’t be dropping it so low…”

drop it low

12. “Braveheart’s on. That’s workout enough.”
13. “…But that show “Drunk History” is on Comedy Central. I have to participate!”
14. “I’ll just do yoga instead.”


15. “I can just do 8 minute abs later. The guy in those retro ‘90s videos is so up-beat and encouraging! He really cares.”
16. “Weather dude said it might storm tonight. Better take cover under the covers, and call it an early one. Sleep is very important.”


17. “Looks like it might rain… Well, at least I tried.”
18. “Damn, I feel lightheaded. I definitely have low-blood sugar. I couldn’t jog with that! Better eat some crumb cake. You know, for health reasons.”
19. “Too hot.”

too hot

20. “Too cold.”

too cold

21. “Too inbetweeny.”


22. “Maybe jogging is just not for me.”
23. “I think I need new running shoes. These ones are really pinchy, and my feet hurt after I run. Hey, if I go shopping, I can mall walk instead of jog!”
24. “I went snowboarding like 2 weeks ago… still sore.”
25. “Forgot to drink water today.”


26. “Should probably watch the news tonight instead of jogging. Give it a try, you know?”
27. “Isn’t there an election coming up? Shouldn’t I be hitting the polls, or something?”
28. “It’s the 4th of July. Today is for America. Best to just sit back and admire her amber waves of grain. She’d like that.”
29. “But if I just go back to sleep, I will get to sleep longer…”

sleep longer

30. “I haven’t visited Grandma Carol in a while. Family first, right? Fitness second, or at least a close 4th… but actually, not before Tumblr and that’s 5th.”
31. “I really need to clean out my desk. I have no idea where all my pens are going!”
32. “Hey, my old yearbook!”
33. “So, so sleepy. In fact I’ve been yawning so much I might be low on oxygen. That couldn’t be good for a jog. Better not risk it.”


34. “Cramps.”
35. “I mean, I can’t say no to brunch….”
36. “If I do jog, my hangover will murder me, and I will die.”

leave me alone to die

37. “Oh, but I just moved apartments. That’s a lot of lifting and bending— basically like squats. So I’d better hold off in case I tear something.”
38. “My phone is dead and I can’t run without music. That is just cruel and unusual.”
39. “Had some milk earlier. NOPE.”
40. “Also, some spaghetti in the mix there. So, yeah, NOPE.”


41. “Neighborhood’s looking a little rough today… Better stay indoors just to be safe.”
42. “My shorts don’t have pockets. Where would I put all my things!? And my stuff–where would that go? I can’t just wear a fanny-pack. They’re a fashion artifact. They’re extinct. I couldn’t go out in public like that. People could see me out there…”
43. “People could see me out there…”

staying inside

44. “It’s winter. Just can’t. Jogging is a seasonal form of exercise, right? Well it should be.”
45. “Three words: Harry Potter Tuesdays. It would be a disrespect to wizards everywhere if I left this couch.”
46. “I’ve been sitting at a desk all day and my back is killing me. Jogging would just fudge it up more.”
47. “Sweat is your body’s way of crying, and it’s crying, “For the love of your god and mine, put a stop to all this madness and just sit down!”


48. “I’m just having such a good hair day! Might not come back around for another week. Better use it while it’s here.”
49. “I wonder what would happen if I just didn’t go for a run today…let’s find out (It was Netflix)…”
50. “I haven’t explored the internet enough… Adventure is out there!”

adventure is out there

51. “I already had a salad today, so it evens out.”
52. “No one—NO ONE—should ever have to be awake and moving this early.”

ann perkins

53. “I got into an argument with my roommate, and now I’m in too upset to run… By argument I, of course, mean the passive aggressive note she left for me on the white board about the dishes.”
54. “The word “marathon” IS in a “Law and Order: SVU” Marathon… I think that counts. Yep. Just checked, and it does.”
55. “The sun is out today and that bastard is hellbent on getting in my eyes.”

sun in eyes


Since graduating from the University of Dayton, Mary has used her hard-earned education in becoming quite the dabbler in her twenties. She self-identifies as a writer, stand-up comedian, book repair specialist, mug collector, nanny, dancer, video editor, dog-walker, rugby player, and budding over-sharer. When she isn't defending the sanctity of boxed wine, she is usually out for a run against her will, or hitting up the dollar cinema for the latest indie comedy. Her favorite things are: Hogwarts, big dogs who think they're lap dogs, bare feet on a rainy day, Stephan Colbert, and comedic timing. If you want to find out what Mary's eating, or hear a far-fetched pun or six, follow her on Twitter @WrestleCrow or Instagram @wrestlecrow.

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