There are few things in life that are better than dessert. To be honest, I would do almost anything for a brownie. I’m one of those people who would rather eat dessert before the “real” food to avoid being too full for pie after the meal. Do I need a boyfriend? No. I need some ice cream.

1. Ice cream is always down to Netflix and chill.


Sometimes I want to come home from work and lay around and do nothing. Boyfriends have jobs and want to go to the gym. Seriously, I don’t understand it. Ice cream will always be lazy AF with me. Anytime, anywhere.


2. Ice cream will never judge you.

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If you want to eat an entire tub of ice cream and a dozen cookies in one sitting, a boyfriend might question your sanity or eating habits. (This could be a sign of a bad boyfriend, but that’s a different story.) Ice cream will hand you a spoon and a glass of milk.


3. Ice cream is there when you need it the most.

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When you’ve had a really bad day and your boss was a jerk and your hair looks like shit, you need some consoling. Ice cream will be there for you, even at 3 in the morning, with no complaints.


4. Ice cream will never forget to text you back.

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Boyfriends act like they have lives outside your relationship. Wtf, right? If they don’t text you back, you’re all alone. Ice cream belongs to you and only you. Unless you decide to share with someone but honestly, who does that?


5. Ice cream is never overprotective.

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Boyfriends tend to think that if you’re dating then he is the only boy you’re allowed to hang out with. Whatever, that’s fine. But ice cream doesn’t care if you play the field. A little bit of cookie dough, a little bit of mint chocolate chip…it’s an open relationship with all of them.


6. Ice cream will never forget your birthday.

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And it knows exactly what you want. Forget random gifts from your boyfriend that you don’t really want. Or the presents that are actually for him and he just wanted an excuse to buy it. There are few greater gifts than a tub of ice cream, and you can have that any day of the year.


7. Ice cream will never make you cry.

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Except maybe tears of joy, which are the only kind of acceptable tears in a relationship.


Hillary Bautch is a Wisconsin girl living in Boston, where she can often be found double-fisting cups of coffee. She takes pleasure in making other people feel awkward and purposely does weird stuff so she can write about it later. Hillary enjoys eating pizza, watching other people fall down on ice skates, and complaining about how much she wants a dog. Follow her random musings and sarcastic rants at @hillarybautch.

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