I think we can all agree that the worst time of the year is the very beginning of January. It’s cold. There’s nothing to look forward to. Commuting is a nightmare.  The gym is crowded with all these people who are trying to start fitness routines that will fail in approximately three weeks. People are trying to eat healthy so one wants to do anything fun. It sucks.

What sucks even more? New Year’s resolutions. I hate them. I don’t understand why people think just because the year is changing, it’s a time to start fresh. The year always changes every 365 days. It’s not like this is anything new. That’s why I don’t try to be this brand new person when the new year begins.

When the clock struck midnight on January 1st, I was three bottles of wine deep playing flip cup like it was 20-fucking-12. That being said, I started 2018 like a trash person. I woke up hungover, had pizza and french fries for “brunch,” and then finished the leftovers from “brunch” for dinner. But you know what? IT’S FINE. Although I ate like shit over the holidays, as one does, I worked out practically every day for the month of December. If I want to take off the first day of January from being a human being who has her shit together, that’s okay. I will eat healthy this week and stay in this weekend (and probably next weekend too). But not because it’s January 1st. Because it’s cold as fuck out and I ate like shit over the holidays, so I need to get back on my pre-holiday lifestyle. And if I want to have a few day cheat days here and there, I will because indulging when necessary is the only way I’ll be able to keep this shit up for approximately 300/365 days without spiraling into a 24/7 trash person lifestyle.

If you want 2018 to work for you, I encourage you to not make New Year’s resolutions (why am I capitalizing New Year’s btw? idk). Here’s why.


1. If you set a date of January 1st to start working towards a goal, you’re already screwed.

If you REALLY wanted to achieve this goal, you would have started working towards it before January 1st because people who really want things go after them right away. They don’t say ‘ehhhh, I’m gonna keep spiraling out of control until January 1st and then get my life together because new year, new me.’ No bitch. New year, same you. People don’t change. When you REALLY want something, you’ll start going after it in that moment. But until then, just give it the fuck up and stop trying. You’re filling up work out classes and taking the treadmills away from the people who’ve been working towards goals since before 2018.


2. If you think making a resolution is going to make 2018 great, you’re lying to yourself.

One year is 365 days long, and there’s no chance you’re going to have a year with no obstacles if you accomplish your New Year’s resolution(s). Every year, no matter what, is always full of ups and downs. It’s okay to take rest days when it comes to working out. It’s okay to have cheat days even if you eat healthy most of the time. If you tell yourself you have to be this new, changed, organized, put together person in 2018 and don’t give yourself room to breathe, you’ll crash and burn in just a few weeks and go back to your OG ways. Let yourself live.


3. If you have multiple resolutions, they probably all contradict each other.

For example: “I’m going to spend less money” and “I’m going to go to more fitness classes.” Like no this is impossible. Fitness classes are expensive. You can’t save money while attending them. You’d have to pick one of these resolutions, but honestly, either alone would make for a shitty fucking year.


4. If you give up something you and your friends like to do together, they’ll probably stop wanting to hang out.

So you want to give up alcohol but you also still want to hang out with your booze-loving friends? Lol, good luck. My social life literally consist of drinks at bars, dinner with drinks, movies with drinks, sports watching with drinks, drinks after shopping, drinks after nails, nights in with drinks. If I gave up drinking for 365 days, I would have no social life. This is why I’m afraid to get pregnant. But anyway, IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU DO, KEEP DOING IT UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY CAN’T. If you try to give it up, you’ll fail and end up alone. Sounds like a shitty year to me!


5. If you post about your resolutions on social media, you’re going to make people feel bad about themselves, and they’ll dislike you (or unfollow you) for it.

Like, it’s really awesome you’re eating whole foods for 30 days, but I’m sitting here eating a whole pizza and I don’t need you shoving pictures of sweet potatoes in my face making me feel bad about my poor food decisions. (Disclaimer: I am the asshole who takes pictures of healthy food, but I’m trying to speak for the general public here, which in this situation is not me so sorry in advance for my food pics on Insta, plz don’t unfollow me, but bye if you do).


6. Life can get in the way of your resolutions.

Shit happens. What if you make a money resolution and you have unexpected bills come your way? What if you have a fitness resolution and you get hurt? What if you make a career resolution and you get laid off? It can happen—It happened to me. After I lost my job two Februarys ago, there was no way it was going to be the “year of Sam,” like I designated it on New Year’s Day. That made it even more upsetting when I couldn’t go after the things I said I was going to, because I couldn’t and there was nothing I could do about it.


7. You probbbbbably won’t be happy until you stop trying to change and accept yourself for the shit person you are.

Yes, life is all about accepting the changes around you, but it’s not about trying to change the person you are. You are who are you, and if you’re a shit person, so be it. I did a study called living life and found that 90% of people are shit people. It’s fine! Everything is fine! And it will be even more fine when you stop trying to be someone you’re not 🙂


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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