If there’s one thing I hate, other than the many other things I hate, it would be New Years Resolutions. I mean, why tell yourself you’re going to do something starting on January 1st for the entire year? Why not start doing that thing when you thought about doing it in October? Why did you have to wait until January 1st to start? BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO DO IT. DUH.
If you’re in your late 20s like me, you are most likely thinking about making these New Years Resolutions too. But guess what – they’re not actually going to happen. So instead of pretending you’re going to do these things, know that you won’t. After all, there’s point in being disappointed the third week of January when you can avoid it from happening now!
1. Start going out again more “like you used to.” Okay. There’s a reason you stopped going out so much in the first place. Dun dun dun… YOU GOT OLDER. Sure, you might miss going out like you used to, but those days are over. You don’t have as many friends as you used to and you don’t have the willpower to go out dancing in a sweaty dive bar in which you cannot move because it is packed full of people who are 7-10 years younger than you. Just embrace the fact you are happier sitting on the couch watching TV in a blanket maybe or maybe not drinking an entire bottle of wine.
2. Lose weight. HA. Every year, I’m always like NEXT YEAR WILL BE THE YEAR — THE YEAR I DROP 30 POUNDS AND BECOME A STICK THIN SUPERMODEL NINJA. But let’s be serious. I love to drink wine. And I love french fries. And although I love working out, I love leisure as well and sometimes after work, the couch seems like a better choice than the gym. This isn’t college anymore. You’re not given an allotted amount of hours to be active each week. You are busy. So this year, if you lose weight, great. But surprise yourself with the weight loss if it does happen this year. Don’t tell yourself and others you’re going to accomplish something that TBH you probably won’t.
3. Save enough money to buy a home. But that $98 blouse is calling my name. And that $310 round trip flight to the Caribbean is kind of a steal! And the only way to socialize with people is to get dinner and drinks! And I’m too old to pre game! Yes, you should be saving money, but don’t set yourself up to be depressed when you either 1. don’t save enough money because you don’t actually make enough money and/or 2. you spend money you could have saved to make yourself a happy human being who lives life. Be the happy human being who lives life this year. Seriously.
4. Stop eating when you’re drunk. This isn’t college. You is old AF. You don’t need to be eating pizza or macaroni and cheese or anything really when you not only had dinner that night, but you drank your weight in calories. You don’t have the metabolism you used to. But let’s be serious. Your drunk self wants what it wants. And what it wants is food. Being drunk is a rare occasion for you anyway, so just let yourself go HAM on Seamless. Then you can get sick the next day and throw it all up. And then you can get your ass to the gym because #fitness.
5. Say “yes” when people ask you to hang out, and then refrain from canceling the plans. Lol. This is a good one. Moving on…
6. Call people on the phone. Why call someone when you can text them? Why attempt to schedule “phone dates” when your busy life is going to get in the way? I’m sure you want to call people more, but not only is speaking to other humans the worst, it is always completely inconvenient for at least one of the involved parties. Keep living your life. Keep texting your friends. One day people won’t even interact by speaking to each other, so you really don’t need to worry about it anyway.
7. Answer all of your text messages. Responding to text messages is hard. What if you get a text while you’re driving? What if you get a text while busy at work? You’ll read the text, respond to it in your head, and completely forget it ever happened. Do some people probably hate for you this? Yes. But your true friends will know what’s up. So don’t worry about it. And don’t pretend you’re going to change your ways and start texting people back because you’re not.
8.Stop being nice to people you don’t like. As you get older, you grow apart from many people – literally and figuratively. You see who you want to see. You talk to people you want to talk to. Why would you even waste time on people you dislike? Oh right, because you have to. You can say you’re going to not invite your friends’ friend to the party you’re having, but you know you’ll pussy out at the last second because you’ll “feel bad.” You can say you’ll ignore your annoying co-worker, but you’ll chicken out at work and be all nice because “you want everyone to like you.” Keep dreaming about treating people the way you want them to be treated, because in reality, it’s not going to happen.
