A couple Friday nights ago I sat on my couch for 7 and a half hours (no exaggeration) finishing season 2 of Orange is the New Black. It was weird, but hey, I’m lazy as fuck sometimes. Whatever. But to be honest, even if I wanted to get off my ass and go do something productive like sit on someone else’s couch and drink, that show HAD ME. It basically kidnapped me from my own not-so-exciting life for a couple days and sucked me in. It actually owned me.

Maybe it was the need to know what was going to happen next. Maybe it was the hatred I developed for just about half the characters and I wanted to see them perish. Maybe it was the pizza keeping me put. WHATEVER THE CASE, OITNB season 2 was kinda amaze. It may have started off a bit slow, but boy did it get dramatic. I have never screamed and clapped during a show’s season finale ever. I felt like one of those obnoxious girls in a movie theater. Yeah. I said it.

When it was over I didn’t really know what to do with myself. SO MUCH FREE TIME, I thought I had, until I managed to fulfill that time with other meaningless things. Ugh, life. Binge-watching OITNB wasn’t meaningless though. I actually learned a lot. Like I took some valuable life advice away with me from that crazzzzzzy show. And believe me, you will too if you can find the time to binge watch this Netflix nightmare. Literally. A nightmare. Going to prison is now my nightmare. Although it does seem 1/10ths like summer camp, which could be fun… But anyway, here’s what I learned…


1. TSA workers could be stealing shit from your carry-on items at airports. I mean, it’s doubtful, but it’s also real. Black Cindy did it… I don’t care that a person who would ever steal shit from my carry-on would most definitely 110% go to prison. I don’t want anyone touching my shit – or even worse – taking my iPad. I’ll be watching you, TSA.

2. Buy, wear, return can be taken to a whole new level with online shopping. You can, like, buy something online, claim you never got it, and get your money back. It’s like buy, wear, return except you can return things while keeping the item. Morello did it. I mean, she ended up in prison, and this is a TV show we’re talking about, so you probably should never, ever do this. But if you wanted to, you at least maybe could. So there’s that.

3. Inmates… they’re just like us! Except they’re in prison, because they did something bad. There are all sorts of inmates though. You have Piper who is like “normal, rich, and white,” whatever that means. You have Poussey, who is basically one of those white black kids. You have Taystee, who is super fun but doesn’t know when to shut up. And then you have a group of people who want to write articles about random shit. INMATES… THEY’RE JUST LIKE US. And so are the guards… like they stated in the show. “Guards… they’re just like us” totally should have been a column in Pipers’ newspaper.

4. If there’s one thing in life you should aspire to be, it is a garden rose. For some reason, being called a “garden rose” seems so philosophical and classy. Just saying the phrase “garden rose” makes me feel philosophical and classy. It just sounds so… beautiful. So if you ever need to convince yourself to stop doing something such as sleeping with your ex or staying in on a Friday night to watch The Notebook, just tell yourself YOU ARE A GARDEN ROSE, then throw on a crop top and paint the town neon. GET IT, YOU BEAUTIFUL FLOWER, YOU.

5. You can’t trust anyone. UMM HELLO. VEE. She was supposed to be Taystee’s faux-mom who took care of her faux-kids but instead she just had sex with them and killed them because THAT’S NORMAL. Wait… I mean, because I knew that Vee was Taystee’s faux-mom I didn’t even question what she was doing back in prison. But now that I think about it, WHAT WAS SHE DOING BACK IN PRISON? Was this even addressed? Why did Taystee not ask? But anyway, all that storyline taught me was that you can’t trust anyone… not even your drug dealing faux-parent! And Polly and Larry? Fuck. You can’t even trust your best friend and future husband. UGH, PEOPLE.

6. People suck. Polly and Larry. That is all. Oh my god, I hate people.

7. People never change. I kinda already knew this, but OITNB made that even more clear. Sure you had my girl Nikki deny heroin after being in prison for some time for her heroin addiction… but she wanted it. And Piper? She was a lesbian. Then she was straight. Then she went to prison. And guess what? Now she’s a lesbian again! Like, you thought she changed… but she didn’t! Surprise! And Rosa? Once a badass, always a badass. PEOPLE. NEVER. CHANGE. No matter how much kale you buy, it won’t make you healthy. No matter how much money you have, it won’t make you any less of a mess. No matter how many framed pictures you hang on your walls, it won’t magically make you domestic. You are what you are. People can put on a show, but do most really change? No.

8. Live like there is no tomorrow. Because there might not be. Life is short. RIP Rosa. <3 <3 <3 BANK ROBBING IS LIKE SO COOL. But don’t do it because, one more thing I learned from the series, the man who you do it with will die, and if you do it alone, you’ll get caught. It’s a lose lose situation. UGH.


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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