1. Eat bad foods. I don’t know if this is just me, but during the week I am so effing healthy and then come Friday night I am all like PIZZAFRIESMARGARITAS until Monday morning. It’s like there is someone telling me eating badly during the week is not allowed, but then on Friday after I leave work that same person tells me it now totally is. Cooking up a healthy dinner and eating it on the couch or going to a restaurant and ordering a boring salad with no alcoholic beverage sounds AWFUL on a weekend night, so, like, pizza, fries, margaritas it is.

2. Not drive in traffic. So maybe you WILL get caught up in traffic this weekend, but you don’t have to worry about rush hour because that shit don’t exist on the weekend! It’s a driving free for all, my friends.

3. Drink heavily. Sure you can get your drink on during the week. Is it allowed? Meh. Do you do it anyway? Yes. But, like, it kind of sucks when you have to go to work the next morning. Well, guess what? On the weekend, you don’t necessarily have to wake up in the morning, so drinking until you pass out is totally acceptable. Hooray for blacking out (or just a casual brown out… you’re getting kind of old for constant black outs).

4. Enjoy The Outdoors. Most people work during the day every day, sooo the day is lost to an office — sometimes with no windows — meaning you can completely miss a beautiful day. On the weekend, though, the day is yours! You don’t have to miss it. You don’t have to stay inside, unless you want to. You can do whatever you want. Tan, take a walk, eat outside, visit the beach. And if it’s not nice out, you can just couch it because sometimes it’s nice to relax and watch a marathon of your favorite show from 10 years ago. No office = no problem.

5. (Drunk) Brunch. Restaurants don’t even have brunch during the week, so thanks to the weekend you can sleep in and then indulge in a cheesy omelet with some home fries or a couple of banana pancakes before nap time. OMG foodgasm. But it’s not only a foodgasm… you can DRINK. That’s the best part. Mimosas, bloody mary’s, vodka tonic, beer… Have whatever you want. Especially if it’s Sunday Funday. Drunk brunch is the best. And for good reason.

Brunch not only is great for binge eating and day drinking, but it also cures hangovers and is a fab place to catch up on what you did last night — because chances are, you have no idea. Now if only we were allowed to eat something for breakfast other than a quick bowl of cereal or an 100 calorie bowl of cottage cheese during the week AND if only we didn’t have to go to work, (drunk) brunch could happen every day (what an idea that is).

6. Shop and Run Errands Whenever You Want. So obviously you can shop and run errands during the week… but the three hours you have to go shopping are the same three hours for everyone else, so malls and stores are always mobbed. Plus, how annoying is it to leave work and drive somewhere in a rush or take public transportation somewhere in a rush? Not to mention, running an errand is such a time consuming after work activity, that you would probably have to skip the gym! And if you weren’t planning on going to the gym, you would probably rather sit on the couch and do nothing anyway. On the weekend, you don’t have to worry about any of this. You can just go out when you want without having to worry about skipping plans or getting off your ass when you in fact want to stay on your ass. Life is good.

7. Wear Shorts And Other Riskay Things. I bet you have a closet full of clothes you cannot wear to the office — or at least have to cover up with a boring blazer, meaning no one sees the cool design on your back or your jacked arms (because you have those, right?). On the weekend, you can let it all hang out, in a good way. You can wear tanks. You can wear dresses that are kinda short. You can wear sweats. You can wear flip flops. You can wear SHORTS. All those things that bring you comfort can be on your body all day long during the weekend. It’s perf.

8. Nothing. You want to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing in sweatpants from dusk to dawn? Fine. Do it. You have no obligations. It’s the weekend. Especially if it’s Saturday. It’s not like you have to go to work the next day. Unless, of course, you work on the weekends… But the rules still apply — you just have to work around it (aka learn how to).


Hi I’m Sam. I made this website in 2011 and it’s still here! I'm the author of the humorous self-help book AVERAGE IS THE NEW AWESOME. I like pizza, French fries, barre, spin, more pizza, more French fries, and buying clothes. Follow me on twitter & Instagram at @samanthamatt1... and on this site's meme account on IG at @averagepeopleproblems. OKAY GREAT THANKS BYE.

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