It’s both degrading and uplifting. It’s hilarious and awful. About 0.001% of the time, it’s fantastic. It’s a tale as old as time: the one-night stand.
A one-night stand can happen as early as age 14 and as late as age 80, but these are the stereotypical one-night stands that you will almost definitely have in your 20s.
1. The Completely Drunk One-Night Stand
This is obviously the most common, tried and true one-night stand there is. In my opinion, it’s the perfect way to ease yourself into the world of fleeting sex with a practical stranger.
You’re both completely wasted and you’re not sure if either of you was even capable of finishing. You barely remember it the next day. You find him on Facebook the next day, see how he looks sober, and decide to never tell a soul what happened here.
2. The “Found Online” One-Night Stand
Although most one-night stands used to occur after the bar or club closes and you’re too drunk to see straight, more and more of them are taking place sober after fishing around on Tinder for a few hours. This one-night stand is less spontaneous and more like a transaction.
You meet in a neutral location. You both know what you’re here for, so don’t even try to play innocent. It typically takes places in the backseat of a car. He’s definitely not as cute as his profile picture. You end the night driving home alone, slightly sweaty and reeking of shame.
3. The Bad Kisser One-Night Stand
We’re all familiar with this one—this occurs when the other person is such an awful kisser you can’t stand it, but they’re hot enough that you’ll suffer through it with hopes that the sex will be much better. Spoiler alert: it usually isn’t.
4. The Keeper One-Night Stand
As far as one-night stands go, if 0.001% of them are actually good, then 0.000001% of them actually turn into something more. We know it’s possible of course—we all have that couple in our friends group that met in a drunken haze, had sex the same night, and somehow turned it into a relationship.
Although rare and definitely not orthodox, these can turn out to be some of the best relationships. Just don’t go into your one-night stand expecting Prince Charming, because trust me…I can practically guarantee this isn’t it.
5. The Quickdraw One-Night Stand
Because can you even call it a one-night stand if it only took three minutes? Depending on whether you got off or not, this could be great or terrible. If you did, then you get to go home satisfied and yet at a somewhat reasonable time. You can get up early the next day, take your dog for a walk, go to a yoga class.
If you didn’t, then you’re either completely unsatisfied and have to go home having accomplished a grand total of nothing, or you have to stay and give it another shot, which probably won’t be any better than the first round.
6. The All Night Long One-Night Stand
This also has its pros and cons. When your partner is so good that you just keep going for hours and hours, it’s a beautiful thing. Especially when you don’t have to stay and cuddle. But the downside to this is…wait. Never mind. This is that 0.001% I was telling you about.
7. The “Not My Type” One-Night Stand
We’ve all had that one-night stand we’d rather bury in the ground forever. Maybe he was older than your father, shorter than your little sister, or uglier than the Hunchback of Notre Dame. But somehow, something about him made you go home with him. You’re a little ashamed, you’re never going to tell your friends, but maybe it was the best sex of your life…you can admit it.
8. The Opposite Orientation One-Night Stand
Whether you’re gay, straight, or somewhere in between, we can all benefit from a little experimentation. You might not be into it at all, or it might be the best sex of your life and completely change your perspective about things. All I’m saying is, you never know until you try it.
9. The “Maybe This Will Last” One-Night Stand
This is the saddest one and the biggest issue with one-night stands—the unrealistic expectations. When having a spontaneous night of random sex, do NOT go in with expectations. They know what this is, and you should too. Like I said, maybe this will turn into something great. But chances are, it’s just a fun night and something to write about later.
