As if planning a wedding weren’t stressful enough (I’ve heard), every bride is faced with the nerve-wrecking dilemma of choosing bridesmaids.  Not only do you need to choose an agreed upon number of ladies to escort the groomsmen down the aisle, but you need to do so without hurting the feelings of friends and family members.  I’ve known girls who have actually had panic attacks over choosing which of their friends will wear a bridesmaid dress and which ones will be lowly wedding guests (gasp!  Actually, only being a wedding guest is the way to go, but I’ll get into that later).  Basically, choosing your wedding party is kind of a big deal…but it’s pretty simple if you follow this basic format of the girls you ABSOLUTELY NEED to stand up with you on your big day.

This bitch was probably president of your sorority, and had a planner in like, fucking 3rd grade.  She’s incredibly organized and is the go-to during crisis management.  She might be a little abrasive, but she’ll be clutch during wedding planning.  Not only will she revel in helping you make seating charts, but she’ll be your girl to make the list of who got you which gift at your multiple showers.  Trust me, she’s necessary.

Sure, some people think she’s a bitch, but you’ll need her when the flowers aren’t arriving in a timely manner and you cannot seem like a bridezilla.  Not only will she ensure that YES, YOU DID HAVE A RESERVATION FOR A TABLE FOR 10 during your bachelorette party dinners, but she will say what everyone is thinking to the obligatory in-law member of the bridal party.

Emphasis on “hot” and “mess,” this friend will be incredibly invaluable when you’re planning your bachelorette party.  She’s still partying on the reg, so of course she can easily get you the hook up at any club in your destination city.  She’ll also be able to find you the best DJ or cover band for your reception, and there’s a good chance she’s smuggled a few nips into her clutch, just in case you need to calm your nerves with something stronger than a mimosa before saying “I Do.”

Everyone needs that one friend who somehow, miraculously, never actually blacks out.  She’ll be key to all of the wedding planning endeavors, and will be your go-to in the event of a pre-wedding breakdown because you don’t think you’ll be able to finish your DIY place settings in time.  She’s calm, she’s collected, and she’ll definitely have six extra lipsticks in her bag if you need a touch up.

Well okay, this might or not be a friend, but it’s pretty much required you put your sisters and your future sisters-in law in your bridal party unless you’re like, a huge cunt.

She might be a little pretentious, but she’s going to be incredibly useful when it comes to getting your dream venue, or getting a great deal on your wedding flowers, because, you know, she fucking knows everyone.

Because obviously, your best friend has been there for you for all of your big moments, and whether she’s a utility member of the party or not, she’ll need to be next to you for your wedding day too, right?


After graduating from Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizadry, and realizing her degree in The History of Magic was hardly applicable in any employable realm, Alex decided to stop doing acid and actually get a BA in English. A comedy writer living in Brooklyn, NY, Alex enjoys stalking ex-boyfriends, drinking coffee, plotting ways to meet Suri Cruise, and drinking cheap wine out of an over priced Crate and Barrel glass. Follow her on Twitter if you're entertained by hot messes @Alex_Engelbert.

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