Airplane Etiquette

While traveling to Colorado a couple months ago my mother and I had a very stimulating conversation about airport/airplane etiquette or rather the lack there of. Both of us are pretty seasoned travelers and share similar views on the way individuals should behave in an airport merely out of courtesy for the rest of the world.

#1. Security

This could be an entire post alone but I will keep this as brief as possible. Listen everyone; we all know that going through security isn’t like an optional thing. One can’t simply say, “eh – I think I will skip it today…” It would be AWESOME if it worked that way, but it doesn’t because of things like 9/11 and people trying to blow up planes and such. Seriously, I don’t understand the world we live in. Getting back on topic, when you are getting ready for the airport in the morning, you know you are going to have to go through security. So please, plan your outfit accordingly. Don’t wear stilettos that take 3 minutes to get out of, don’t pile on the jewelry, don’t have 17 different bags. You are only allowed ONE carry on and ONE personal item. Literally, that’s all they are going to let you on the plane with. Try your best to consolidate ahead of time oppose to right before you go through the metal detector.

Parents of Small Children: have you ever heard of Velcro? Waiting for you to help your 4 year old untie and retie their shoes is possibly the most painstaking 5 minutes of my life. All I need is my Longchamp bag and flip flops but your needing to give your child a lesson on shoe lace tying in the security line is keeping me from Starbucks – it could get ugly.

#2. Walking Through the Airport

This is the time where you need to pay attention to the traffic flow. Doing things like: stopping in the middle of a narrow walkway to check your gate number, walking extremely slow because you are texting your BFF, walking in the wrong direction, or standing still on those moving walkway thingys are all completely obnoxious behaviors. If you need to check where your gate is, move off to the side. Don’t scowl at me for bumping into you as I sprint to my gate because I got stuck behind a woman with 3 kids that insisted on tying their own shoelaces. MOVE!

#3. Eating

Lower your expectations. Airport food is bad. So if you are going to McDonalds, plan on it tasting 50% worse than usual. Nothing in the airport is good. Even Jamba Juice doesn’t taste right. Expect the food to suck and then if it doesn’t you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Stop complaining about the food being terrible or you not getting EXACTLY what you were hoping for. It’s an airport, which in my eyes means it’s about 2 steps down from food court food. Take it for what it is or pack a lunch. Stop holding up the McDonalds line because your fries aren’t satisfactory.

#4. Boarding the Plane

I’m not quite sure about this because I’m not an airline rep but I think that they started boarding people in “zones” so that the obnoxious people with 10,000 bags don’t hold up the line. The thought process is that people in first class (rich assholes) will board first, have their mimosa and chillax. Then Zone 2 will board, these people are usually in business class or the front of the plane. What does this mean? Well, I’ll tell ya. It means that if you are in Zone 4 and sitting in seat 40B stop complaining about the people in Zone 2 that are “holding up the line.” If you wait until your assigned zone the congestion would cease to exist. Quit jumping the line and wait your turn you asshole. We are all going to the same place and the plane isn’t going to leave without you just because you are seated in the back of the plane. Take a chill pill.

#5. While in Flight

Expectations: Sit in your seat, be relatively quiet and if you are seated in a window seat try to keep the bathroom visits to a minimum so that you aren’t disturbing your entire row every 30 minutes.

Obnoxious Behaviors: Taking up both arm rests, trying to talk to the person next to you when they have headphones on, snoring, kicking the seat in front of you, reclining your seat before the plane takes off (you know they are going to make you put your seat upright for take off so why do it?), getting up to “walk the aisle” more than twice when you are seated in a window seat, making out or showing excess affection to significant other, allowing your children to be extremely loud… need I go on?

#6. Exiting the Plan

Unless you are running to catch your connecting flight – pipe the fuck down! Literally the seat belt sign comes off and people want to run for their lives. Don’t worry, you won’t get trapped, wait your turn. This shouldn’t even have to be said but I’m going to say it: the front of the plane exits first and then in goes row by row. Therefore, if you are in row 15, you exit after row 14. Stop trying to cut people in the row in front of you off. Take a seat and exit in an orderly fashion. Also, please be careful when taking your 50-pound carry on bag out of the storage bin. My mom got knocked in the head on our last trip and the culprit didn’t even apologize to my beautiful flower of a mother. Ass. If you weren’t in such a hurry maybe you would realize you nearly gave my mother a concussion and elbowed me in the gut. I bruise like a peach and had a welt on my stomach for about 3 weeks… once again, ass!

#7. Baggage Claim

Honestly, all I have to say about this one is this: get your shit and get out of the fucking way!!!! Don’t stand there with your thumb up your bum blocking the luggage carousel once you have all your bags, there are 200 more people that need to grab their stuff! #selfish

Also, understand that it takes some time for your luggage to get from the plane to baggage claim. Try your best NOT to complain about it taking forever. You are not the center of the universe (life advice).