Here’s the deal. April Fools’ Day is literally the worst day of the year.
Like, great, yay, it’s April. That means we’re officially out of winter and into spring, but it’s not super nice out yet so I’m still white as fuck and I’m kind of angry about that. Sure, April is better than March, so that’s good, but it’s still not summer so whatever.
But the worst part about April without a doubt is how the first day of the month is a holiday that is actually a joke – April Fools’ Day.
Why. Why do we have a day dedicated to jokes and nonsense? I am just trying to go through the day-to-day motions of life caffeinated, unharmed, and financially stable. I don’t need someone telling my gullible self something that isn’t true, or causing my heart to stop by putting something near me that looks terrifying (re: a fake spider, i HATE fake spiders… and real spiders).
April Fools’ Day is fucking stupid. But if you don’t think so and are participating in the ‘holiday,’ here are 14 pranks you shouldn’t play on me or anyone because if you do, it just means that you are the worst.
1. Pretending you’re pregnant.
2. Pretending you’re engaged.
3. Faking a breakup or a divorce.
4. Anything that has to do with fake spiders.
5. And fake poop.
6. Telling me that Nsync is getting back together.
Lol, I did this to you all last year. I AM LE HYPOCRITE.
7. Something about death.
That’s just fucked up.
8. Pretending you got a tattoo.
Yawn, this is so cliche.
9. Lying about a TV show cancellation.
10. Stealing/hiding my keys, phone, or glasses.
Don’t mess with my prized possessions.
11. Hiding my food and telling me you ate it by accident, even though you really didn’t.
You will *feel my wrath* if you do this.
12. Giving me water instead of wine at the bar.
Not only can I taste the difference, but I can see it too. You can’t fool an alcoholic. Or can you?
13. Saying that Donald Trump isn’t actually running for president.
Don’t make that an April Fools joke. Make that a reality.
14. Telling me you want to give me money.
Whether you’re pretending to give me a new job or a large sum of money for this website, don’t crush my dreams by doing this as a joke. That would just be evil.