If you’re not waking up in the morning and heading straight to the coffee maker, or Starbucks on your way to work, you’re doing it wrong. In fact, one of my life goals is to get those people who don’t drink coffee to drink it. Not necessarily to like it, coffee is an acquired taste. But so far I am three-for-three, hopefully will be four-for-four in the near future.
There’s really no excuse to not drink coffee once you’ve exited puberty, because it will not stunt your growth anymore. That said, there are some key differences between those who enjoy a cup of joe and those who prefer soda, energy drinks or even worse, none of the above.
1. Coffee drinkers are sophisticated. Tell me ordering a soy chai latte or a caramel macchiato doesn’t sound like you’ve traveled the world. Then look at the person carrying a 20 ounce Mountain Dew. What does that say? This about sums it up:
2. I’ve found that non-coffee drinkers are often the ones who walk into work, slumped over, mumbling about how awful it was to get two hours of sleep. COFFEE IS LIQUID SLEEP SUBSTITUTE. That Dunkin/Starbucks/Tim Hortons/whatever cup is the starting line to your day; whereas that Coke or Red Bull will make you trip over a hurdle three hours later, when you fall into a sugar coma.
3. Building on point number 2, coffee drinkers appear more put together. Okay, only to an extent (see below.) Little Orphan Annie once said, “You’re never fully dressed without a smile.” What she really meant was “you’re never fully dressed without a paper cup in your hand.” (Or plastic, if iced coffee is your thing, or travel mug if you’re into being green or saving money.) Your cup is the perfect accessory to any outfit. It goes with everything.
4. Once you know coffee terms (ex. half caff, pour-over, red eye) you can definitely judge others based on their choices. For example…
Soy chai latte: This person may be lactose intolerant.
Red eye: What were you doing last night?
Mocha: You want to be reminded of your childhood: a cup of hot cocoa after sledding for hours, but you also want a jolt of caffeine.
Caramel Macchiato: The person who drinks this is a flawless angel. (Confession: this is my drink of choice when I have $4 lying around or if my credit card bill isn’t due for a few weeks.)
Decaf: Who are you kidding?
Although you can also judge people based on their alternative caffeinated beverages…
Diet Coke: Mostly American, trying to be ‘healthier.’
Pepsi/Diet Pepsi: Get out.
Mountain Dew: This person enjoys video games and also candy. All the candy.
Red Bull: This person thinks energy comes in a can. Real talk: it doesn’t. It comes in a mug.
Five Hour Energy: This is someone who believes in miracles, and enjoys shots by night.
5. Coffee drinkers reap health benefits. What doesn’t coffee have? Protein, but that’s what meat and Greek yogurt are for. By drinking coffee, you are getting antioxidants, preventing Alzheimer’s and type 2 diabetes, and burning fat (I think). You are also giving yourself an internal hug if you’re outside in the winter. Additionally, coffee drinkers are happier. I’m not making that up. Real scientists found that out. What does soda have? Sugar. More sugar. Or sugar substitute.
In conclusion, start drinking coffee. Yes, it will taste like dirt water at first. But yes, it will be worth it.