I will openly admit to being a Facebook stalker. On the road of life, I’m the kind of person who constantly looks ahead, behind, and beside her to see what everyone else is doing. Where are they living? Do they have an interesting job? Do they have photos of glamorous outfits in which they attend fabulous parties, or is their profile nothing more than a collection of FarmVille updates? As much as I have been trying to cut back on my face time with Facebook, I find myself using it as my primary news source for the latest updates from news outlets, reporters, brands and friends new and old.

Whenever I’m at a get-together, the subject of Facebook tends to come up. I’ve noticed that even though most of my mom’s friends and our other baby-boomer generation relatives are on Facebook, they have plenty of negative things to say about it. It’s a waste of time. I can’t believe the things people post on there. Why do people feel the need to document their every move? And my favorite – some rendition of You young people should be careful what you post on there – YOUR BOSS WILL SEE IT!I

I rarely hear people talk about what I use Facebook for the most – an endless source of salacious entertainment. I think it’s interesting how my friends use the site in different ways. Some people post photo albums every weekend, some occasionally share random photos, some make nonstop inane statuses about being at work/the mall/da club, some share news stories, and some only hop on to post about major life events. Facebook is a way to design an online persona for yourself. Whether that persona is an accurate reflection of who you are is up to you.

What My Profile Doesn’t Tell You

I consider myself a pretty honest and straightforward person. Does my Facebook profile reflect who I really am? I’m not sure. I usually update my status with a cleverly-worded complaint, an upcoming event/movie/book I’m excited about, an interesting news story, or when I am doing something cool. I also upload a LOT of cat pictures and rarely upload pictures of other humans. I don’t have a working digital camera and when I’m at a party I like to have fun instead of being a slave to a camera. I just look at other peoples’ pictures instead. There’s a lot you would never know about me if you only read my profile, though. I stopped commenting about politics after some arguments during the 2008 election turned uglier than I expected. I’m working on sticking to positive-only status updates, as I’ve noticed that whiny status updates by people I don’t really like can make me smile on a bad day. Terrible, I know, but someone has to break the cycle. I save my serious complaints for Twitter. There are lots more news and celebrity gossip stories that I would love to comment on, but I only post them selectively (note to self: this might make a good blog). Why? Because there are a lot of people who don’t care about that sort of thing, and it’s annoying to them.

Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant, I’m just getting drunk

The Facebook page above has over 28,000 likes. I’m not alone! Seeing people I know from high school and college get engaged and married is always an unwelcome reminder of my own single status and makes me feel like I’m progressing in life at a glacial pace while everyone else whizzes by. I know that’s silly because although I want to get married at some point, no way can I picture myself in a serious relationship in the near future. Some people have been dating the same person since high school or college. Don’t get me wrong – I wish everyone I know the best in life and am happy for them. With so much of my life subject to change at any time, it’s just hard to understand how people I knew when I was much younger can make a lifetime commitment at such a young age. Last month, I was seriously contemplating applying to graduate school and two weeks I was looking into moving in with roommates downtown. I don’t even like the same music I liked yesterday.

STFU, Parents, Miscellaneous Activists, Attention-Seekers and Chubby Exercisers

STFU, Parents is a blog I discovered a few months ago and love. It’s all about the crazy shit that people with children post online and how childless people and parents alike find it revolting. It’s highly entertaining and relatable. What is it about having children that makes people batshit crazy on the internet? I also see a lot of generic statuses that say things like “some people need to…” that express the fact that something is wrong, but not who caused it. I secretly want to punch the commenters on these statuses for indulging the poster in their sad need for attention. (Although I guess it’s not such a secret anymore.)

Having an opinion is cool. Expressing it is cool. Rubbing it in other peoples’ faces and expecting them to  agree with you is not cool. I don’t mind the occasional update with a petition to sign or a news article to read, but I think it is in fact quite ignorant to assume that everyone on your friend list agrees with your viewpoint and/or wants to read about it multiple times every day. Please start a blog instead. Same goes for you, chubby exercisers. Are you trying to make us couch potatoes feel bad we weren’t out on a ten mile run like you were? I don’t, because I know you ate an entire pizza afterwards. How else can one person exercise so often and not lose a pound?

Still, I can’t go a day without updates from Facebook. It’s my best friend and my worst enemy. It sucks up all of my free time, makes me feel like crap about myself, and endlessly entertains me.

I will sign off with this lovely pictorial that I discovered on the ol’ FB.

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